Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Tue Nov 20, 2018 9:30 pm

Lovebird wrote:*hugs* Didn't mean for my response to come over as harsh as it perhaps sounded/read to you. I know you're really trying to get well again and doing all you possibly can. Hope the issues with DS (as well as your stepdaughters if possible) will resolve. And you do sound lots better over time of journaling, even with the occasional step back (it's not like it's a straight line to health/weightloss, as much as we'd prefer that).

I really liked the info on the reverse therapy you shared. Not all of it, but it gives hope and I do believe there's a mental component to certain diseases, especially the 'perfectionist that is always there when needed and wants everyone to be happy, however forgets to take care of herself' and ends up with Hashi/Fibro or whatever... forcing the focus back to oneself.

Well - the worst part about written communication is the lack of the verbal and non-verbal elements. But its okay - I didn't take it as "harsh" Smile It's all good.

I have no idea what will happen with my son. I don't know what is behind all this. But I do know that he can easily shut people out of his life. As for the SDs --- I have no hope in that department. They have no interest in having a relationship with me. Last time oldest was here she hugged her dad, got in her car and left - I was standing 4 feet away from her and I didn't even get a sideways glance. It is that type of behavior that makes me assume any kind of niceness she might offer to me is all fake. It's actually kinda fun to watch how she avoids me. Once at a Christmas gathering she was saying her goodbyes to everyone and going person to person giving hugs, she got to me, pretended to get distracted by something the next person was saying - passed right by me without even making eye contact. This is a common tactic and she has it down to a science! It's all very sad because we could have had such a great friendship. I was more than willing. I was so excited to bring these 2 girls into my life and into my heart. Its hard to be friends with someone who hates you for the fact that you have a place in their daddy's heart. Jealousy is an ugly thing. I used to hope that when they grew up things would change - but oldest just turned 29 and I don't see much change happening. Youngest is much nicer to me now that she's grown (26) - but still doesn't go out of her way to talk to me. If I am in the area she will include me in the conversation with eye contact, and she always comes to me for a hug before she leaves. Neither one has any interest in my family - I have not once been asked any questions about my life. They really know nothing about me after 18 years of being their dad's wife. I am fairly sure that if hubby passes away before me the last time I will see them is at his Celebration of Life gathering. I'm finally at a place of acceptance, and honestly at this point I have little interest in having more or better than what we have right now. You get to a place where your heart just can't chase after someone any longer. (sorry that was way too long!)

I haven't looked into the reverse therapy any more - there isn't a lot written about it - and virtually NO research of any kind. It is mostly in the UK - and even there, not widely practiced. But still - I think there are a lot of things it could help - maybe not cure.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Tue Nov 20, 2018 9:37 pm

It has been bad day. I have had gut issues for a couple weeks and I will need to take a close look at my diet - but I think it is more related to my emotional state. With the holidays coming it is making me hurt deeply over this "thing" that is keeping my son away. I have never once not spent a Christmas without him, he is 33 year old. And if he isn't here, he will be all alone, I assume. I don't know if he's working, I don't if he's dating anyone. Its really hard.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Pedidoc on Tue Nov 20, 2018 10:26 pm

tomi1000 wrote:It has been bad day.  I have had gut issues for a couple weeks and I will need to take a close look at my diet - but I think it is more related to my emotional state.  With the holidays coming it is making me hurt deeply over this "thing" that is keeping my son away.  I have never once not spent a Christmas without him, he is 33 year old.  And if he isn't here, he will be all alone, I assume.  I don't know if he's working, I don't if he's dating anyone.  Its really hard.

Not your fault. Invite him and give him the option of coming when no one else will be there.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Tue Nov 20, 2018 11:12 pm

Thanks, Kathi - I keep repeating to myself that I have done nothing wrong.

Hubby brought home salmon and rice from the sushi joint. Smile yummy. I haven't eaten much today - but my tummy has been off so I want to eat lightly for a couple days.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Lovebird on Wed Nov 21, 2018 3:11 am

Tomi wrote:You get to a place where your heart just can't chase after someone any longer. (sorry that was way too long!)

I haven't looked into the reverse therapy any more - there isn't a lot written about it - and virtually NO research of any kind. It is mostly in the UK - and even there, not widely practiced. But still - I think there are a lot of things it could help - maybe not cure.

No need to apologize... this is your journal, you can talk/rant about whatever you like, as much as you want to, whenever you please. Smile

What I don't understand is why your DH has never spoken up on their behaviour/your behalf, as it's rude, hurtful and unnecessary, especially after all these years. Or perhaps he has, and they simply don't want to hear about it... It's one thing for a kid to act childish, a grown-up however should know better than to blame/ignore the step/bonus parent.

Can't even begin to imagine the impact it has had on you over the years... and no, you can't make anyone love you. Just be you, love yourself, take good care of yourself. They are the ones missing out as you are lovable and loving.

RT basically is the same as NLP IMO. Learn to listen to what your body is telling you and act upon it. Don't let anyone silence your voice and speak up, set and protect your boundaries. Eat real foods to support and heal. Move every day, even if it's just a basic easy program. Every step counts. It's up to you to decide upon the direction.

They were the result of a chronic over-firing of the sympathetic nervous system, caused by my refusal to even hear my inner voice, a voice that had been drowned out for years and years by the part of my mind that created and enforced the rules and roles I made myself live by.

The basic process of recovering via Reverse Therapy was to reconnect with what might make me happy and start doing it, and to listen when a symptom flared, to get quiet and ask myself through a body-centered meditation, what deeper message I was ignoring in that moment.

I reconnected with what made me happy by doing as many things as I could think of that were fun, creative, satisfying, joy-sparking.

http://www.spiritofchange.org/Journal-of-Natural-Healing/Victory-Over-Chronic-Fatigue-Syndrome-Through-Reverse-Therapy/

You can't change other people or make them do what you want/like. However you can change yourself and be happy and grateful for what you have. There is always room for improvement, but the first step is to accept, love and cherish what's there. Focus on the positive and do what makes YOU happy. Know when to push yourself and when to accept that you aren't ready yet. Honour yourself with loving care.

Sorry to hear you haven't been feeling well lately.

Always remember, you are part of this tribe.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Narrowminded on Wed Nov 21, 2018 11:17 am

Tomi - thanks so much for that tip. I’ve printed it and will look at trying to do that shortly. Never even thought to look for something like that. Who knew?

I’m so sorry you are feeling down about the family issues. Holidays can make it even worse. Just know you are loved here. Sometimes when we quit chasing is when people turn around. Much easier said than done.

Have a very blessed Thanksgiving.

Hugs
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Wed Nov 21, 2018 4:31 pm

Lovebird and NM --- thanks for those kind and wise words. I haven't done well with "dealing" in my life. I was in my early 30s when I first had counseling for my childhood traumas. I had such pain in my heart all my growing up years -- believing my very existence was the cause for my father's death, coupled with hating him for living such an irresponsible life that he robbed me of knowing a fathers love. I hated him - and I suppose I also hated myself. I hated my mom because she was so "checked out" of life in general. If it weren't my grandparents (my dad's parents) I wouldn't have known love at all. They were wonderful. So full of love and kindness!

Then there was the marriage issues with my first husband. Instead of dealing with things in the early years - I just tried to pretend we were happy and push through. We were happy - on the surface. But the surface was all there was to our marriage. The sex was great - the relationship, however, was shallow and empty. After 18 years we finally gave up and got divorced. Turns out - he just wanted a wife to take care of his needs and keep house for him. I can say - I did both quite well! Smile

And then comes this marriage. Having my best friend and former love now be my husband was a dream come true. What came with this wonderful man was a nightmare.

The trouble with children is that they are the genetic make-up of both their parents. Unfortunately all 3 of our children seemed to get too much genetic material from the ex's. My son got his father's inability to form deep relationships, and a strong case of social anxiety. My step daughters got their mothers arrogance (thats a nice way to say bitchiness), and extreme self-centeredness, and her ability to fling daggers out of her eyes when angry. Hubby feared them in the same way he feared their mother. He was kind and gentle - she was a dragon in a constant state of PMS. The girls were spoiled by both parents. Made to feel that the world was to bow at their feet. When I didn't bow - they didn't understand. Hubby - being kind and gentle, coupled with fearing their anger - had no strength to come up against them. By the time we had nearly 2 years of counseling and he was gaining some courage - it was too late to do anything that would matter. They were grown and moving out.

I think I'm making progress in my need to deal with all the shit-storms in my life. I feel like I am letting go of mountains of pain and disappointment. I still have a long way to go. With the girls --- I've stopped wanting things to improve. I've stopped seeking their love. I still need to let go of the anger and hurt. I know in my head they had their own pain and damage to deal with from their parents divorce. They were only 6 and 9 when their mom had an affair and decided to leave. But they weren't told about the actual cause of the divorce until they were in their mid-teens. All they knew was that mom and dad didn't want to be together anymore. Hubby agreed to tell them it was a mutual decision. (big lie). Then, they have 2 new "parents". I get that it was traumatic and difficult. But like you said, Lovebird - excusing a child's bad behavior is one thing - excusing that same bad behavior from an adult is something totally different.

At this point - I feel like I need to just dissolve the past from my memory and move forward. Like on Harry Potter - when Dumbledore takes the wand and pulls out old memories from his mind and drops them in the Remembering Fountain. I would love to do that. Accept - they would go into the toilet and be flushed!!! Smile If we could only vomit up all the bad emotions and memories from our past! Wouldn't that be wonderful!

I'm working on things............. I know I can't keep going on this way. I'm convinced my emotions are having a strong influence on my health. I want more than anything to regain my health and my life. There is far too much life ahead to remain in my current condition. Hubby and I deserve to be building nothing but joyful memories from here.



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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Pedidoc on Wed Nov 21, 2018 6:45 pm

Tomi, I cannot even imagine what it would like to have your experiences. Yes, it would be wonderful to remove negative memories, but they along with the good shape the person we are now. So while everything you have been through was horrible, it did help make you who you are today. What I "see" is a strong woman who has an inner compassion for those who are trying their best and not making it; a woman who loves with her whole heart; a woman who forgives when others cause hurt; an intelligent woman who is able to apply what she has researched and learned; a thorough researcher; a woman how can do anything she sets her mind to and be successful.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Wed Nov 21, 2018 9:44 pm

Pedidoc wrote:Tomi, I cannot even imagine what it would like to have your experiences.  Yes, it would be wonderful to remove negative memories, but they along with the good shape the person we are now.  So while everything you have been through was horrible, it did help make you who you are today.  What I "see" is a strong woman who has an inner compassion for those who are trying their best and not making it; a woman who loves with her whole heart; a woman who forgives when others cause hurt; an intelligent woman who is able to apply what she has researched and learned; a thorough researcher; a woman how can do anything she sets her mind to and be successful.  

wow.............. tears in my heart reading that! Thank you for those very kind and generous words. Smile I'm hugging you all the way from Oregon!
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Pedidoc on Wed Nov 21, 2018 10:14 pm

Only the truth....embrace it!
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by AutumnTiger on Thu Nov 22, 2018 3:46 am

Blessings for the day, Tomi.

I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever the day brings.

I have been following a book of daily meditations founded in Stoicism this year. Many of the tribe get it instinctively; a lot of the words I wisdom I see around the journals comes from this philosophy.

November's theme is about acceptance, however, in its original language "amor fati" is a bit stronger than that, it translates to a love of fate. I'm a little behind in the daily readings, but today's reading seems perfect for the discussion here - almost like I was meant to be behind.
The summary of the lesson describes these four critical habits
1. Accept only what is true
2. Work for the common good
3. Match our needs and wants with what is in our control
4. Embrace what nature has in store for us
Marcus Aurelius prefaces this by saying "Our rationale nature moves freely forward in its impressions when it" [follows these habits].

The book is The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman
https://www.amazon.com/Daily-Stoic-Meditations-Perseverance-translations/dp/1781257655/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Narrowminded on Thu Nov 22, 2018 10:21 am

Tomi - may you have a very blessed Thanksgiving.

I want to Plus 1 what Pedi said. All very true.

Hugs
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Thu Nov 22, 2018 11:13 pm

Thank you all for the support and guidance. Smile Much appreciated. I'm 58 years old - this should be the time in my life when I'm releasing all the junk from my past - I feel like I'm so very close.

Its been a good day. We made 2 whole chickens on the Mack (pellet bbq). We're going to freeze one. We decorated the house for Christmas - Just the living room. I did good - pushed through until we were done. Smile Been resting since. Doing as hubby said - "sit your butt down and take it easy now" Smile

Unfortunately - nothing from my son.

I hope you all have had a peaceful day filled with people you love. Smile

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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Narrowminded on Fri Nov 23, 2018 9:44 am

Wow your Christmas Deco’s are done. Mine won’t happen for at least 2 weeks. I’ll try to get the tree up before DD gets home for winter break.

Sounds like a pleasant day over all.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Pedidoc on Fri Nov 23, 2018 10:52 am

I'm not even going to decorate this year.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Lovebird on Fri Nov 23, 2018 12:55 pm

Read something today that might be helpful for you... maybe others too... it was the suggestion to write a letter, pretending it to be from someone that hurt you, one way or the other, to yourself aka a 'Dear Tomi'... apologizing for wrong doing/not calling/not loving enough etc. The thought behind it is that things that haven't been said (as perhaps that person has died or simply isn't capable of doing so) need to be expressed, as in you needing to hear them, in order to heal. And let it go. Just thought I'd share.

Hugs. You've got such a sweet hubby btw.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Fri Nov 23, 2018 4:05 pm

Narrowminded wrote:Wow your Christmas Deco’s are done.  Mine won’t happen for at least 2 weeks.  I’ll try to get the tree up before DD gets home for winter break.

Sounds like a pleasant day over all.


Fake tree - small area. Smile We still have to put up the lights outside. Hubby loves this stuff so it makes it so enjoyable for me. My ex would rather not even celebrate holidays so having a husband who takes such joy in Christmas is a real blessing! Smile
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Fri Nov 23, 2018 4:06 pm

Pedidoc wrote:I'm not even going to decorate this year.

Sad why not?
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Fri Nov 23, 2018 4:23 pm

Lovebird wrote:Read something today that might be helpful for you... maybe others too... it was the suggestion to write a letter, pretending it to be from someone that hurt you, one way or the other, to yourself aka a 'Dear Tomi'... apologizing for wrong doing/not calling/not loving enough etc. The thought behind it is that things that haven't been said (as perhaps that person has died or simply isn't capable of doing so) need to be expressed, as in you needing to hear them, in order to heal. And let it go. Just thought I'd share.

Hugs. You've got such a sweet hubby btw.

Wow - that is a concept I have not heard before and I LOVE IT!!! I've done the "inner child" work where you give your "child self" the love and nurturing needed to work through emotions that seem to be trapped inside you. But this idea is one step beyond that. I'm going to try this. Thanks so much for telling me (all of us) about it. I will let y'all know how it turns out..............

And YES! my sweet hubby is a blessing! He's so much fun and so kind and loving and gentle. Every person he meets loves him. I am so very proud to stand by his side and be known as his wife. Smile The empty hole in my chest was filled again when God brought us back to together. We're soul mates, best friends, lovers, partners. I don't know where I stop and he starts because we are so close. The Bible says "become one flesh" - this has been true for us since we were 19 years old. I spent 20 years missing him every single day - and now I can't imagine being able to breath without him. Smile
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Pedidoc on Fri Nov 23, 2018 4:43 pm

tomi1000 wrote:
Pedidoc wrote:I'm not even going to decorate this year.

Sad  why not?  

None of the kids are coming and whatever I put up I will have to take down. The kids are all coming for my mom's 80th birthday in January.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Fri Nov 23, 2018 8:47 pm

Pedidoc wrote:
tomi1000 wrote:
Pedidoc wrote:I'm not even going to decorate this year.

Sad  why not?  

None of the kids are coming and whatever I put up I will have to take down.  The kids are all coming for my mom's 80th birthday in January.

gotcha --- if I had your busy life I wouldn't either Smile Wink
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Fri Nov 23, 2018 8:55 pm

I'm praying for a restful night tonight.  I've had far too many bad nights over the past 2 weeks and I'm totally spent.  Tomorrow is the family gathering for Thanksgiving (hubby's family).  I don't have to do much - we are using a room at a local church and the food will all be prepared ahead (curries)  I made a batch of snickerdoodles at the request of a nephew - mixed up the dough yesterday and hubby is baking them while he is making curry.  I helped gather up all the paper plates, cups, plastic utensils and table clothes.  I'm so freakin weak and tired.  So tomorrow I have to get myself showered and dressed and just go.  I will try to find a good place to sit and hope people will come to me to visit.  

I'm very teary lately.  Feeling down - and a bit sorry for myself.  Rolling Eyes  Hubby is so sweet through all this.

Good news - the estate has been finalized and funds should be distributed this coming week. That means as of our December house payment we will be mortgage free! What a wonderful gift hubby's dad left for his boys. We certainly never expected there would be anything left after the care for mom in her last years. Having this last bit settled is also good for closure - mom passed 3 years ago this coming April. It will be good for the family to have this all wrapped up.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Pedidoc on Sat Nov 24, 2018 8:43 am

Tomi, it has not been all bad the last few weeks. If you go back and read, you've had some fairly good days where you got stuff done (canning, accounting, decorating). I hope you got some good sleep and have a good day.

When you married DH you got more family than the wicked SDs, you got nieces and nephews, one of whom loves your snickerdoodles! Instead of focusing on the WSDs, focus on the other family you now have.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Narrowminded on Sat Nov 24, 2018 3:59 pm

I hope you got good sleep and have a wonderful time at the Thanksgiving.

I agree with Pedi, count the blessings.

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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Mon Nov 26, 2018 5:39 pm

Yes - I am counting my blessings - I do every day!

Our Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday was nice. The family doesn't get together as often anymore - I guess that happens when the parents are gone and that anchor is no longer there to hold us all together. My son didn't come. But I really wasn't expecting he would so I wasn't disappointed. The meal was an assortment of curries - I took some homemade chicken and rice soup.

My tummy is getting better I think - as I'm coming to a better place emotionally with my son issues. My hair is still falling out, but maybe it is slowing down? Not really sure how to measure that. It seems that the fall out today was a bit less so I'm hopeful. It is still thicker than some women's hair - but it feels like I've lost nearly 1/2 of my hair. I step on the scale at random times - no change.

It is end of year again - and I'm trying to make decisions about financial stuff with the business. How far down to take the account - and how to distribute the bonuses. I have to do this today as bonus checks come with the December paychecks. I'm struggling. Uncle Sam takes a YUGE bite out of bonuses - as in 22%. It is a hard choice to make.


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