Tomi found her way!

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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Narrowminded on Mon May 07, 2018 8:43 am

Tomi please don’t leave. Its so hard when you feel so awful, but hiding won’t help.

Do you think your tummy could have been bothered by the wheat yesterday and not the fat?

I’ve listened to many podcasts that talk about lowering carb Sloooowly. Generally every single one said going cold turkey causes issues especially fatigue and that’s for someone w/o as many issues as you.

Like LB said, get back to basics, then very slowly, if you wish, change things.

Come on Girl we are here for you!
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Mon May 07, 2018 10:25 am

Thanks, LB and NM. I appreciate the encouragement.

The tummy troubles came on hours before I ate the cheeseburger and my diet has been really good for weeks. Obviously its just still not healed. Probably doesn't matter how perfect I eat, if its still not functioning properly its going to act up sometimes. The cheeseburger doesn't seem to have caused anything bad - at least not so far.

I didn't sleep well last night and I woke up early feeling restless. Its going to be a very slow day.

My son came by yesterday. We had a nice visit.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Vh67 on Mon May 07, 2018 10:40 am

Tomi,

I am sorry to read about your lastest set back. I completely understand what you are feeling as we seem to be following a very similar path with bodies that refuse to cooperate and are frustrating beyond belief. I have had some tough times recently, both physically and emotionally. But at the end of the day, we have two choices, give up or keep fighting. But it is ok to take some time with the feelings you have now. To be angry at how unfair it is that you work so hard and things still suck, that you make sacrifices and things still suck and that you don't deserve this. To have a f-it day or two. A good pity party every once in a while is not a bad thing and for me, I find it fuels my desire to get back in the fight. So be gentle with yourself, embrace your feelings as you prepare for your next battle, because you, like me, are a fighter!

Very low carb/keto only works for a few day at a time for me. Same with high carb. Right now I am having better luck mixing it up but never touching gluten, dairy, most grains and right now alcohol. I am finding the quaility of what I eat directly and immediately impacts my body and intestinal tract. If I eat crappy oils, eggs or corn products, it is horrible. And sometimes, I do everything right and I still am in agony. It seems to change daily.

The weirdest I have tried recently that has had the biggest impact is adding baking soda to my daily routine. Just half a teaspoon a day in water has been proven to cause the spleen to promote an anti-inflammatory environment instead of an inflammatory environment. There is a link the study in another thread.

Hang in there! It will get better and you will win!
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Mon May 07, 2018 1:29 pm

Hi V Smile

Oh, thank you so much for that post. I am sorry to hear you are having such struggles also. The diverticulitis is a bitch as well! I honestly think I would go for the surgery if they could promise me I'd be better for it. It would have to be a pretty solid promise though.

Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in this and no one really understands what I'm dealing with. But then, thats why I'm here - because there are people who understand, who get it because they too live it! I understand what you're going through as well. Do you find it even more difficult to deal with it all when you see everyone in your world just going about their business without a care in the world? Well, I mean, their bodies work the way they are supposed to and they don't ever have to think about how horrible they feel, or about how little energy they have, or whether or not they should even attempt to leave the house?

Sometimes its just TOO MUCH! You know - they can transplant hearts, and lungs, and livers and put in artificial knees, hips and shoulders ----- why on earth can no one figure out how to fix a broken digestive system? And why not offer transplants for that? I'd be running to sign up for that!!! It is one of, if not the most, important system in our body! And they are just now figuring out how important it is and what it does and how it works. Its the fueling system - without it we die. Its produces nearly all of our antibodies - so again, without it viruses and pathogens would kill us. Now they are calling it the "second brain" because it produces so many neurotransmitters, and I read recently that have discovered the gut has MORE neurons than the brain itself! So why don't put more effort into making it work right?

I'd do a fecal transplant if I thought it would work - but I think my gut flora is fine - something else is broken. Those damn viruses playing hell on my immune system! If the anti-virals don't help I don't know if there anything else I can possibly do! Maybe I should see a nutritionist?

I am most certainly frustrated beyond words! (although I seem to be pretty full of them right now!) Smile I can't even list all the things I've tried over the years. The only thing I have been unsuccessful at is keeping a 100% pure/clean diet for an extended period of time. Maybe that needs to be my goal from here on. Although at this point - I have little faith in that "fixing" anything. It might control the problem - and maybe that is the best I will ever have. Control is better than nothing, even if it means having very little variety in my diet. It's just so dang hard to maintain that level of self-control and determination. Especially when those bad times happen even when the diet has been perfect for a while. Thats when I want to say F-it! And I usually do by eating or drinking something that causes more trouble.

The bottom line is this.......... diet is really the only factor I have the power to control. (Marcadav, I'm listening)

I listen to all of you........... and I really appreciate the freedom to rant here and not be judged or scolded for it. Sometimes you just gotta blow!
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by marcadav on Mon May 07, 2018 1:56 pm

Tomi, when people first go low carb they will, most likely, have the symptoms you described- no energy, fatigue brainfog, etc. It's called low carb flu. It usually gets better over time but can take weeks.

I also don't think you can blame your recent tummy troubles on too much fat. You had a can off full sugar pop as well as a bun containing wheat. The tator tots, most likely, have gluten too, as well has bad oils. Any of those things can cause me tummy troubles.

All that being said, you need to cut yourself some slack. You are healing. My suggestion is- eat real food, no processed foods. I also think gluten, even if it's einhorn wheat should be off the table.

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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Mon May 07, 2018 2:15 pm

Yesterdays tummy troubles came on hours before I drank the pop and ate the burger and tots. So can't blame those. In fact, I was fine once I ate those things. My energy came back and I was feeling really good.

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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Mon May 07, 2018 8:13 pm

The summer temps are coming - and I'm not looking forward to it. This extra weight I'm carrying isn't going to make it any easier. Sad GRRR.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Mon May 07, 2018 8:36 pm

well - the 16th ends my 60 day commitment to not weigh or measure my food and not make any major changes to my diet. I've done well. I see NP on the 17th. I'm thinking of asking her what she thinks about me seeing a nutritionist. Maybe I could find one that uses paleo guidelines. I just feel like I need help. With my other issues this just isn't a cookie cutter situation.

Affirmations:

1. I AM a beautiful woman inside and outside.
2. I AM ENOUGH!
3. I will not give up!
4. There is a formula for my needs that will help me reach my health goals.
5. I am blessed!

No bike again today. Just not enough energy.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by marcadav on Mon May 07, 2018 9:34 pm

Tomi, I feel your pain. And, I've been where you are. I also know I've shared my story before but it might help if I repeat it.

I was kept under medicated for thyroid disease for 8+ years. During that time I gained almost 60 lbs. It got so bad-- I ached everywhere. The brain fog was horrible. I 'd fall asleep, on the couch, as soon I picked my kids up from school. And the list goes on.

I was also going through a very complicated end of my marriage and raising 3 kids virtually alone.

I finally begged a new doctor, in tears, to up my thyroid meds, slightly, for 6 weeks. She agreed. That increase started things in the right direction. It did not, however, do anything, weight wise.

Then I moved back to Oregon. I spent more time around my sisters, who already had weight issues. My weight increased.

I had to change things. I KNEW I had NO control over my weight. Given that fact, I made a pact with myself--- I could stay obese If I got and stayed healthy. That pact, thought about for months, flipped a switch in my head.

I couldn't control what the scale said, but I could control what I ate, how I moved, how I slept, etc. Over time I felt better, could do more, and surprisingly and very slowly I got "smaller".

I have wanted, for a long time, for you to get to where I had to get to. I, sadly, don't think you're there yet.

As long as your weight holds so much power, my experience tells me, you can not settle into the consistent choices that will bring you to where you want to be over the long term.

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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Pedidoc on Mon May 07, 2018 10:21 pm

Tomi, I think the key to what Marcadav is saying is the "no control over weight, but control over health." Can you love yourself if you never get down to what you feel is your "ideal" weight? You have come a huge way from when you were posting at MDA. You say you've been sick with gut issues for years, why would you think that the fluconezole would heal you in months? You have got to give your body time. I want you to do your affirmations, not to punish you, but to try and help you love the body you have. I know you are frustrated, but please remember how good you felt when you followed what the NP said - time and consistency will be your friend. Hang in there, you can not eat a whale at one sitting, but you can one bite at a time!
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by The Walrus on Tue May 08, 2018 2:05 am

I’m thinking of the old saw “don’t throw out the baby with the bath water.” Going vlc (really, really hard) probably underfeeding yourself, crashing- of course you felt better after eating a substantial meal, regardless of the content. That doesn’t mean that junk food is good for you in the long run. After I broke my wrist, after 5 hours of terrible pain and stress, te first thing I askeed for was a cup of tea with milk and sugar. It helped greatly - caffeine, fat, sugar, liquid. But I’m not adding a i to my regular diet, particularly the sugar.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Narrowminded on Tue May 08, 2018 8:58 am

Tomi I have to add to maracdav. Not sure you know my story of getting started with my W30/almost year.

I lost nursing for Brian and had to bring my office home. I decided at that point I have to get my crap together literally. My weight had spiraled out of control and I was using donuts/candy/sweets to deal with my stress.

Like Marcadav I knew I had to get healthy. I watched my mom take so many med for HBP, then type 2 and I knew if I didn’t get healthy that would be my future. Not the one I wanted.

I had done a W30 two other times, the first I white knuckled through. The second went better, but both times I barely lost anything. However last year, I also said to myself that I would go a full 60 days because I believed I really needed that amount of time to set things straight. So focusing on health and relaxing into the whole spirit of the W30 I dove in. The first month I lost 9 pounds. I was totally shocked.

I continued to only weigh and measure 1x a month. I continued, not at 9/mo, but an average of about 4 per month. And I never ever focused on what or how much I might be losing. I also noticed a trend that the 3rd week into each month is when I’d notice a woosh even though I could not weigh for another week, but my clothes would be different.

While I certainly don’t have your health issues, the major thought was getting healthy, not losing weight.

I know you get this, we are all here for you.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Tue May 08, 2018 2:28 pm

Ladies....... thank you all for taking the time to write those responses. It really does help to hear other peoples struggles and stories, and especially the victories.

I know I talk about my weight a lot -- it is extremely frustrating for me! (more on that topic to come) But, honestly, my true desire is just to be healthy. But GAINING more weight is just not acceptable, and its not healthy. Obesity is tied to far too many diseases that I want nothing to do with! Can I love myself if I never lose this weight? Yes, but probably not unconditionally. If I had energy and could live my life without gut pain and constant worry about finding a bathroom, I could live with being a chunky girl. My weight doesn't define who I am as a person. But I am not sure I will ever be able to say I like how I look.

On the issue of fat-ness. Here's what I have learned about myself over the past weeks, as I have been writing the affirmations and really delving into my feelings about being fat. I am prejudiced against fat-ness. Not fat people, but the condition of fat-ness. I have some thoughts and feelings about being over weight that I am just discovering - and I'm not proud of either. Growing up - all 3 of my sisters and for the most part my mom and my gramma were all on average 40-100 pounds over weight. I was the skinny one. Sickly, but skinny. From a very young age I always promised myself I would NEVER get fat! After I had my son I was 180 pounds - I lost down to 135 within 6 months. By age 30 I was struggling to stay under 140 and my weight would fluctuate to 155 (enter ex husband telling me I'm fat and gross - and blaming his erectile dysfunction on my grossness). And there begins my unhealthy relationship with my body, and with food. It was around this time that my IBS began to get very bad, and when I started my quest to lose weight. My first try was Weight Watchers, I lost the unwanted 15 pounds. I can't even remember or count how many diets I've tried since then.

Anyway - all that to say I have been fighting with my body since I was 30 years old to keep from being a fat person. I have not yet won that fight. I need to change my thoughts and feelings about fat-ness because they are now directed at me. Ex husbands words still echo in my mind every time I see my reflection or feel the fat around my body. (I seriously dis-like that man).

The cheeseburger episode was a rare event - and was the result of an unexpected visit from my son, no dinner plans, the 2 men not wanting to eat healthy, and my fatigue and weariness telling me I don't give a crap. I let them decide what to get for dinner. I promise its not a common happening. I might make poor choices once in a while - but I make good choices 99% of the time. I realize my feeling better had everything to do with calories and nothing to do with the type of food.

So........... no, I am not yet at that place where I can let go of the desire to lose weight and focus only on being healthy. In my mind - the two are inseparable. Healthy weight and healthy body are tied together. You can be a healthy weight and NOT have a healthy body.......... but I don't believe you can have a healthy body AND be over weight. Visceral fat, stored toxins, diabetes, heart disease........... and those are only medical reasons --- aesthetics is a whole different thing, not as strongly compelling in my mind, but certainly an important factor.

I will work on changing my mindset. Gentle nudges and reminders are most welcome. Smile
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Narrowminded on Tue May 08, 2018 3:22 pm

Tomi I think you said something very profound here and may not have realized it. You mention your IBS getting very bad about the time your husband started blaming you and your body for his issues. I believe the self induced stress caused the IBS to flare out of control. I would guess at the time there was also some self loathing going on.

I have the distinct impression that if you could really truly love yourself as you are, right this minute, every extra pound, and fat roll that your IBS would go into remission. I believe that below the surface you are still fighting that fight. You have taken the words of your ex and internalized them to a point that they have become your own.

The fact that you are happily married now to a man that could probably care less about how you look, should show you that you are loved and you are far more than what your Ex had you believe.

I’m going to suggest you look into some therapy. Its not easy and it’s going to hurt like heck to explore all of this, but I believe the Lord brought that to my attention as I read your post.

I really think it all needs to start in your mind. I’ve got your back, and I hope I haven’t spoken out of line, but it just hit me square between the eyes. If this is correct, no medicine or diet or way of eating is going to fix the issue.

Hugs
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Tue May 08, 2018 3:50 pm

NM --- spot on. I have remembered his words countless times over the years - and yes, I have completely internalized them.

I would not go as far as to say this is totally responsible for my IBS issues - but I do think it has had a huge impact. I guess it is totally possible. Maybe fixing my mind would fix my body. I mean, if 7 years of primal/paleo can't fix me - maybe I need to look in a different direction.

Thanks for pointing it out. I will pray about the therapy idea. I've never considered needing it for this issue - but it could certainly help! Just yesterday I was looking for a nutritionist in the area. Maybe I need to turn my thoughts to the emotional side of this and deal with that first.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Tue May 08, 2018 3:55 pm

I'm going to do some research on this today. Maybe watch a few youtube vids. I have a friend who has a therapist she really likes, maybe I will try to get an appointment.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Narrowminded on Tue May 08, 2018 6:57 pm

Tomi I think that’s awesome. It definitely can’t hurt to try and doesn’t mess with your diet in anyway, or what you are doing with your NP.

Hugs
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by marcadav on Tue May 08, 2018 9:47 pm

Tomi, I agree healthy weight and healthy body are tied together. However I, strongly, believe you have the relationship backwards.

I believe that a healthy body will naturally lead to a healthy weight, over time-- sometimes, sadly, a long time. I also believe that a healthy body is dependent on very consistent and plentiful choices.

If I can be honest, I don't think you've been consistent (at least long enough). I also feel, strongly, that you have not fed, and do not feed, your body enough.

I seem to remember you saying that you've read Body Beliefs. I think you should read it again( and possibly listen to his podcasts) as Jason Seib's overriding message throughout his book, as well as his overall message, is--- youcannot, permanently, change a body youhate.

I second Narrowminded's suggestion about therapy. While I recall you having marriage counseling, I don't recall any individual therapy.

I see similarities in our lives-- Alcoholic parents, lack of self-esteem, less than stellar exes.
With that in mind, I will share that I have had years of therapy. Although, none since moving to OR.

At my first meeting with my fantastic therapist he asked why I was there. My response was, Too many people in my life see me negatively-- "You're fat, homely, a whore, crazy..." (their words). I need to know if they're right and how I can change. Or, if they're wrong, how do I deal with these people.

His response, Which do you think it is, them or you? I replied, them. He said, good.

It took a lot of work to change and I have to say I'm still a work in progress. Then again, I think we all are.

I'll leave you with this--- Change your mind, change your life! You can do it!

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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by The Walrus on Wed May 09, 2018 12:44 am

I so hope you will try some counseling - your gut knows what is going on in your mind. And that’s scientific fact, not woo woo stuff.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Wed May 09, 2018 1:10 am

Good thoughts and advice from all.

I got the number of the therapist from my friend. I will call tomorrow.

Thank you so much.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Wed May 09, 2018 1:12 am

No movement today - no excuse. I had the energy, I should have done something.

Affirmations:

1. I am a beautiful woman inside and outside.
2. I love myself inside and outside.
3. I am healing inside and outside.
4. I am happy inside and outside.
5. I am healthy inside and outside.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Pedidoc on Wed May 09, 2018 8:07 am

tomi1000 wrote:No movement today - no excuse.  I had the energy, I should have done something..

This is a good example of what we have been talking about.  You do not have to beat yourself up if you take a day or two off.  Sometimes you just do not want to exercise and it is okay.  

I do very much believe that if you focus on health that the healthy body will follow.  I do not remember where I read it (I am sure LB will know Very Happy ) but it stuck with me that you need to be fit enough to survive an emergency: so strong enough to lift my body out a window or over a wall and fast enough to sprint away from danger.  That has become my "healthy" goal.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Wed May 09, 2018 4:04 pm

Pedidoc wrote:
tomi1000 wrote:No movement today - no excuse.  I had the energy, I should have done something..

This is a good example of what we have been talking about.  You do not have to beat yourself up if you take a day or two off.  Sometimes you just do not want to exercise and it is okay.  

I do very much believe that if you focus on health that the healthy body will follow.  I do not remember where I read it (I am sure LB will know Very Happy ) but it stuck with me that you need to be fit enough to survive an emergency: so strong enough to lift my body out a window or over a wall and fast enough to sprint away from danger.  That has become my "healthy" goal.

oh boy......... if thats "healthy" then I'm in trouble. I can barely lift the 40 pound bags of pellets for the stove - and I haven't sprinted since high school. I definitely need to work on finding that kind of "healthy"

Thanks for all the help with this!! Smile I realize now that I need to change my thoughts. I've been listening to the conversation in my head - you know those random things that we say to ourselves, but we aren't listening on a conscious level. It isn't very nice, and certainly NOT the way I would speak to someone else. I do shame myself a LOT. I also beat myself up a LOT. I have also been doing a lot of reminiscing over the past 2 days. I believe there is some very deep seated stress and guilt and self-condemnation that was born out of the early years of my first marriage when I began to struggle with keeping the pounds off, and keeping dumb-ass ex-husband happy with his trophy wife. I guess I never dealt with any of it - I buried it. I remember driving away from that house and putting it all behind me. There is much about my life with him that I can't even remember. I've blocked it. Good memories, or bad - there isn't much that I can remember anymore.

I have a call in to the counseling office that my friend recommended.

My energy is not great today. I slept very well last night. Ten hours in bed! Only awake briefly to potty and say goodbye to hubby. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever know what energy feels like again! Fingers crossed for the valtrex to work some magic in that area. Another thought............ maybe all this emotional baggage I'm carrying around is part of what is making me feel this way. Yes - time to deal with the past. I have had counseling to deal with childhood issues, and mom issues. Hubby and I had marriage counseling when were having so much trouble with his daughters. But I have never had personal counseling to deal with past or present marriage issues. I'm ready to do this.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Rig D on Wed May 09, 2018 5:31 pm

"...maybe all this emotional baggage I'm carrying around is part of what is making me feel this way."
Without a doubt that is a big contributor. You seem to carry a whole bag full of bad "monkeys" around and imo being able to unload that bag will be a big help in getting things headed in the right direction. Hopefully that is in process with your current efforts.

You can't fix the stuff that happened in the past, just try every day to do make the best of that day. In addition to your affirmations, have some attainable goals, even if quite small to start with that you can accomplish each day. Some positive reinforcement should help.

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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Wed May 09, 2018 5:36 pm

Thanks, Rig D Smile I do try to have small goals, but they are usually "chores" that I have not choice but to get done. Like getting the bills paid, cleaning something..... I would like to set a small goal of something FUN to do.

decided to do some cleaning.  So I've wiped down the upper cabinets, cleaned the counters and the stove top, cleaned the wall oven (now running autoclean - PEEEUUU) spot cleaned the floor and reorganized the stuff on the counter tops.  I'm spent!  Up and down the step ladder and stretching and reaching and bending - I guess thats my movement for the day. Small accomplishment, but its something. Smile

I asked hubby to bring home dinner.  Sushi.
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