Tomi found her way!

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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Tue Apr 03, 2018 6:01 pm

No scale - I promised. I just feel like my middle is growing Sad I ate 1/2 an avocado, oil in my salad, and bacon yesterday.  This morning my gut told me thats too much.  Sad  Mad   So, I will back off on the fat again.  What the body doesn't absorb needs to exit......... and the colon doesn't like undigested fat.  Sad

Anyway - I'm reading through Jason's Body Beliefs again.  I never finished it, or got very far into last time I tried.  Today I'm stuck waiting for a delivery with a 4 hour window - so I might as well read.  Smile  

I'm going to discuss it as I go............ so feel free to skip if this bores you!  Wink

I'm seeing myself in the 9/10 group - but I also see myself exiting that group and moving toward the 1/10 group.  I've never really fit the complete description of the 9/10 --- I don't care about approval from others so much (a little), and I don't think I will be loved more and be "happier" in life if I lose the weight.  At this stage of my life I understand that people will love you for who you are as a person - not for what package you come in.  So, that is not at all a motivating factor for me.  As far as being "happier" ........... that only applies to how I would feel when I look in the mirror.  My weight has nothing to do with my overall happiness -- but it does have lots to do with how I see my own body.  SEE and FEEL as I live in this body!  I am very self conscious of being fat.  So I do care about what others think --- but I know it doesn't effect how they feel about me.  At least not the people in my life who really matter.  Strangers?  I could give a hoot about!  I guess I think they are thinking what I'm thinking......... "wow, she has really let herself go! that can not be healthy or comfortable!"  

I am seeing myself in the 1/10 group - who say, "I deserve better than this".  I want to be healthy and active.  I want to be able to play physically - and sexually - with my husband again!  I want better than this current condition of my body can give me.  

So my motivations for wanting to get healthier are good for the most part -- but I'm still dragging some of the bad stuff along.  Maybe as continue to read things will begin to shift and I will find myself completely in the 1/10 group.  Smile  

Okay - Step 1:  the bad things people have said to me that shaped my body image.

1.  In the 9th grade we had songs dedicated to us by the Student Council.  A guy named Nick - (who I had known since 1st grade, and who was my first crush, and who I was still crushing on) - gave me the song "Whistle While you Work" --- only he changed it to "Wiggle While you Walk".  So - at the age of 14 I was made aware of my swinging behind - tiny as it was at 110 pounds.  I had an "ample" behind - very muscular - and although I don't think I emphasized a swing in my backside -- I was very aware of the bun bounce with every step.  Now I knew that others were aware of this also.  That was the beginning of my being self conscious of my body.

2.  The EX.  When we got married I was a perfect weight for my height.  122 pounds on my wedding day.  After giving birth to my son I couldn't get my weight back under 140, and at one time was up to 155 (not prego).  He told me I was fat and it grossed him out and he wasn't physically attracted to me.  He blamed me for his troubles with impotence.  Just what every young insecure wife wants to hear from her husband!  He was 45 at that time -- now I understand his troubles were age related - no me related.  That changed when I lost the weight again.  He found me very sexy and desirable as long as my weight stayed under 140.  So - I guess I have attached attractiveness to that number on the scale since that is always the number I strive to get to!

Okay - lets reframe:

1.  Nick noticed I had a motion to my backside.  He never said I was fat - he just pointed out a fact - I wiggled.

2.  John was an ass-hole.  He was a man with a low self-esteem looking for a trophy wife to make himself feel like more of a man.  He had no concept of true love or kindness.  

************

I'm on chapter 16 now - still waiting for the damn delivery truck to bring my new chair!!  GRRR!
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Tue Apr 03, 2018 6:30 pm

Well, the chair came. I was given a window of 11-3. The truck pulled up in front of my house at 3:15. So, although I had nothing really planned for the day - I still spent it waiting in anticipation for my chair to arrive. But, really nice guy and delivery people work so hard I was not about to say anything about the time. He said he still had about 4 hours of deliveries to do Sad but was fine with it cuz of the overtime.

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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Tue Apr 03, 2018 6:47 pm

I got the Amy Myers Paleo Protein drink mix today. I can't call it a shake cuz its not thick - but thats fine cuz the thickeners are usually the guar gum type things that my body doesn't like. I made my first cup of hot mocha latte and added my Heather's Tummy Fibers and my Chinese herbs. It really tastes good! Seriously mocha-ish! One scoop is 109 calories and has 2 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fat, and 21 grams of protein. The ingredients are all AIP approved. I'm happy with it and will definitely order more. It will be a great snack and carrier for my add-ins.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by marcadav on Tue Apr 03, 2018 7:07 pm

I agree with Pedidoc!

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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Narrowminded on Tue Apr 03, 2018 8:10 pm

I am also going to second Pedi, that your body is healing and once it does the weight will come back off.

Great work with Body Beliefs. Things we hear as kids can really do a number on us. I developed early so got lots of stuff em don’t fluff em and shake em, don’t break em.

Where you want to be is healthy and feel good in your own skin, whatever that number might be. Let your body be the guide, not the scale.

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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Pedidoc on Tue Apr 03, 2018 9:07 pm

I'm loving that you are analyzing what you felt in the past. I do encourage you to look deeper - just my thoughts from reading your journal for years. I have some thoughts, but I feel you need to get there on your own. I will support you and I am happy to guide with positive comments, but you have got to do the work. You will do it I know, you are at a breakthrough - please keep at it.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Wed Apr 04, 2018 12:10 am

Thank you all for the encouragement - I will keep up the work. I want to heal, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I'm not worried too much about the weight gain - I just don't like it. I'm not used to all the belly fat. I won't let it derail my progress.

I'm eating well and not paying attention to calories or macros. I'm feeding my body healthy, nutrient dense food. I don't know if I had candida, but after nearly 3 months on the fluconazole my head is clearer, my energy is increasing, my eyes are whiter, I'm sleeping better (not consistently, but certainly better) - kinda makes me think candida has been a part of the puzzle.

Next step is the comprehensive stool test. If that doesn't show something that explains the continuing bowel troubles - then I think we will try anti-virals to see if that will take some of the load off my immune system and allow more energy to go toward digestion and absorption. But, I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. Right now I am focusing on the finishing the fluconazole, continuing to gain my strength back, and regain some semblance of a normal life. There will be a 2-4 week lag before I can do the stool test.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Wed Apr 04, 2018 2:24 pm

more thoughts on Jason's book:

regarding internal vs external locus of control.......  I used this method of "believing" when I was in college.  As a returning adult student.  I was terrified by what I was undertaking.  I was a B average student in high school, but my attempts at college as a young adult proved disastrous!  I left my last semester of college before getting married with a 1.92 gpa.  I just wasn't engaged in the learning process - but this carried through to my second attempt at college when I was 36 years old.  I was terrified of failing again so I spent 6 months prior to starting classes preparing for what would be the biggest success of my life.  I spent time every day building up my self-confidence by journaling positive words and constant positive self-talk.  I also found used math books to brush up on long forgotten skills.  I carried this positive attitude through my 4 years of classes and I ended my journey with all A's but one.  I got a B in one class (missed an A by only a few points).  I graduated with honors. I would approach every single class with an attitude of success. I would sit in the front row and be fully engaged. When exams came up I would tell myself from the time I started preparing until I answered the last question on the test that I was smart and capable and that I was going to ACE it! I never went into a test fearing being unprepared. I remember one time in my A&P class I was the one being recognized for earning the highest grade! Smile    I am the first person in the history of my family (both sides) to earn a 4 year degree.  I'm still very proud of this accomplishment.

I can transfer that same kind of self-love into this journey.  Healing and growing healthy again.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Wed Apr 04, 2018 3:16 pm

I've decided to push the mom day to tomorrow. I didn't sleep well, have had a headache for days that seems to get worse at night, and my back is bothering me. Hubby needs me to go by the DMV to change registration on a boat trailer too - and I'm just not filled with enough energy for that today. I'm feeling pretty deflated! I seem to be on an up day - down day schedule. So, tomorrow should be a good day to tackle getting out of the house.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Wed Apr 04, 2018 8:23 pm

Words from Jason that are making an impact:

"Forward motion is all that’s required of you"

"If you’ve been treating your body like it’s your enemy, it’s definitely
going to need some time to heal, but you don’t get to decide which
problems it fixes first. To your body, extra body fat is just one item
on a list of repairs that need to be made. In fact, extra body fat is
actually more of an indication of other problems than it is a problem
in and of itself."

"Your body wants to be healthy, but you have to give it what it
needs, every day, and then let it do its thing. Sometimes your short term
expectations will need to be quelled in favor of allowing your
body to heal however it needs to."

Funny - (or not) - that I've been told pretty much the same thing from you guys. Smile
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Pedidoc on Wed Apr 04, 2018 9:04 pm

Tomi - keep in mind I am a teacher. I love what you said about the positive affirmations before and during college. I have an assignment for you - I want you to write 5 positive affirmations daily for the next 60 days. Can you do that?
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Narrowminded on Thu Apr 05, 2018 2:48 pm

Tomi, you are right that same success can carry you through. I think Kath has the right idea.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Thu Apr 05, 2018 3:18 pm

Pedidoc wrote:Tomi - keep in mind I am a teacher.  I love what you said about the positive affirmations before and during college.  I have an assignment for you - I want you to write 5 positive affirmations daily for the next 60 days.  Can you do that?

Smile I can do that. but do they have to be different each day? I'm not sure I could come up with 60 different affirmations. Shocked
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Thu Apr 05, 2018 3:37 pm

Yes, NM - I need to hang on to that mindset. It served me well for 4 years. Actually if I think about it - that same mindset is what got me through 18 years of a very empty marriage.

That being said...... I seem to have hit a bump in the road on my way to gaining energy. I'm back to barely have enough to function. I was feeling really good Monday and Tuesday, then crashed again yesterday and I'm still dragging today. I know I shouldn't expect this journey to be a flat, straight path, but it is a bit discouraging.

Its okay. I have to keep telling myself that this is a year long process, as my NP said. Needleman also told me that, but its already been a year with his treatment, and things in that department are better, but still mostly determined by what I eat. The herbs do help keep my gut calm.

Sleep was not great. Went to bed at 12:30 - was awake until 2:00ish. Slept til 5:00 and got up to tinkle. Then woke up when hubby kissed me goodbye at 7:15. Was awake at 8 and again at 9:00. Rolled over saying "just one more hour" - and next thing I knew it was 11:00. So enough sleep - but broken. I guess this pattern of sleep is the norm for this stage of life. I want my hormones back. But without the monthly cycle. Smile

I will finish Jason's book today. I probably won't go any further with his work because weight loss is not where my head needs to be right now. I just need to eat healthy, take my supplements and get all the rest my body is asking for.

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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by marcadav on Thu Apr 05, 2018 3:54 pm

Tomi, I don't see Jason's work being about weight loss. I see it as getting healthy, emotionally, psychologically, and physically. His focus tends to be on getting one's head straight and implementing long term healthy practices. He is very anti scale and believes fat loss (different from weight loss) will naturally follow getting healthy.

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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Thu Apr 05, 2018 5:12 pm

Oh, Marcadav, I should have expanded on that thought more. I see him as a weight loss coach - so I guess I was thinking following his work will keep my mind focused on weight loss as the end result to this journey. Maybe I could try to reframe my idea of what his work is all about. I do agree with you though - in the main focus of his work is what you said.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Pedidoc on Thu Apr 05, 2018 5:44 pm

tomi1000 wrote:
Pedidoc wrote:Tomi - keep in mind I am a teacher.  I love what you said about the positive affirmations before and during college.  I have an assignment for you - I want you to write 5 positive affirmations daily for the next 60 days.  Can you do that?

Smile  I can do that.  but do they have to be different each day?  I'm not sure I could come up with 60 different affirmations.  Shocked

You can have two or three that are more mantras if you will and the other 2-3 you should write something new and positive.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Thu Apr 05, 2018 6:37 pm

Okay - here goes!

1. I will get better!
2. I will never stop trying!
3. I love eating healthy food!
4. I am blessed with a very supportive and helpful husband.
5. I'm a beautiful woman.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Pedidoc on Thu Apr 05, 2018 9:01 pm

tomi1000 wrote:Okay - here goes!

1.  I will get better!
2.  I will never stop trying!
3.  I love eating healthy food!
4.  I am blessed with a very supportive and helpful husband.
5.  I'm a beautiful woman.

Great job, Tomi. I particularly like #5.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Thu Apr 05, 2018 9:49 pm

thanks, Kathi Smile

I sent a text to my NP today because after a few days of feeling increased energy and clarity - everything has tanked again. Yesterday and today have been pretty bad days. She says its normal to fluctuate and I should be seeing more good days between the bad as I continue to heal. I guess I'm not ready to go off the fluconazole at the end of this bottle. Sad This makes me sad. But, it is what it is.

I shall keep pushing on.............
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Fri Apr 06, 2018 12:55 am

food today: ground turkey, bacon, chicken, juice, pork loin, acorn squash.

going to mom's got tabled until I'm feeling stronger again. I put the casseroles in the freezer and called my sister who told me mom has plenty of food and if mom needs anything she will take care of it. Smile I am so thankful that she has taken over the mom duties. Smile

hoping for better sleep tonight.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by Narrowminded on Fri Apr 06, 2018 9:57 am

So nice you have a sister will to help.

Keep going, you got this.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by perennialpam on Fri Apr 06, 2018 10:56 am

#6. I am a beautiful woman inside and out.
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Fri Apr 06, 2018 2:09 pm

Narrowminded wrote:So nice you have a sister will to help.  

Keep going, you got this.

Yes! it was only me doing everything for about 7 years, but when things got really bad with my health my sister stepped up. Smile I am so very grateful!

perennialpam wrote:#6.  I am a beautiful woman inside and out.

I wanted to say that - but I don't really mean it - YET. Smile I'm getting there...............
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Re: Tomi found her way!

Post by tomi1000 on Fri Apr 06, 2018 2:17 pm

Am I supposed to mean it? Or is the point of saying it - to get me to believe it? Cuz if thats the case then this just became much easier! Smile

I drove to the bank this morning to make a deposit Smile Victory! cheers Came home, made my juice and am cooking bacon. I'd really love to go back to bed now. Sleep
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