Every day remains a wandering road

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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by The Walrus on Mon Jan 08, 2018 2:23 pm

It's a bit warmer here as well - funny how 23F can actually feel warm. I'm not kidding! I'm trying to wrap my head around my future life in a subtropical climate. Yikes. Badgergirl, whom I am sure many of you remember, was a devotee of jersey dresses, and I see why. I'm currently combing the thrifts for such items as I don't want to arrive in tropical heat with nothing to wear that won't smoke the life out of me!

We don't have all that much snow but cold - we've had plenty of that!
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Annieh on Mon Jan 08, 2018 2:32 pm

I hope you grow to love your new climate. Yes, dresses are great for warm temps.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Greensprout on Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:17 pm

I like dresses when in a warmer climate.  

Saw psychologist today, it always leaves me mentally drained and tired.  She’s prodding me to dig beyond thoughts to the feelings.  Like when I say I’m uncomfortable in x situation, she asks me what the emotion was.  Not always easy. Is difficult to put words or answers to that sometimes. Not to focus on what I’m not, but what I am.  Interesting.

Totally discombulated this morning on first day back to work from the holidays.  Anxious.  Even left house, and turned car around the block and returned home for a few hours.  Lucky that I have a job that can accomodate and an understanding boss.  Made it in around 11.  Was up too late last night, unrestful sleep.  Don’t know what the dreams were, but hubby said I yelled out at one point, waking him up.  Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

Ok, regardless.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Pedidoc on Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:30 pm

GS I'm glad you can share your thoughts here. All I can say is even though you had to go home, you persevered and got to work. You are a strong woman, so I'm sure this whole situation is frustrating for you. I'm sending lots of healing thoughts.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Greensprout on Mon Jan 08, 2018 10:16 pm

Thanks, Kathi. Muddling though.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Narrowminded on Mon Jan 08, 2018 10:51 pm

GS. Good job getting to work.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by perennialpam on Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:31 am

Glad you persevered and got into work.

Emotions are difficult to put into words sometimes and/or admit.

I am an introvert so coming up with words on the spot is difficult. I would make a list of possible emotions as something to lean on when searching for what I would feel would be the proper word to use.

Hang in there. You are moving forward whether you feel it yet or not. Just showing up for the appointment showed how brave you are.

Best wishes. <<hugs>>
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Pedidoc on Tue Jan 09, 2018 8:29 am

Thinking of you this morning. Hoping you had a better night's sleep and less anxiety going to work.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Heuristicfireflower on Tue Jan 09, 2018 3:52 pm

That is hard work taking on the deeper emotions brought about by situations. For me, it comes to the surface feels awful then softens and dissipates and I find that there is a counterpart or a resolution that becomes clear when I allow those emotions to sit for awhile. The cause comes to the surface.

Agree with PPam, you are progressing, even, as steps are painful. You are on the path to healing.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Greensprout on Tue Jan 09, 2018 10:00 pm

Thanks, all.

Frustrating, yes.  But is what it is for now.  Meditating daily.

Seemed to sleep well last night, but apparently just couldn’t wake up this am.  Have recall of hitting snooze numerous times, and heard hubby and son #2 get up.  First time I actually looked at the clock it was 0755  affraid .  Oh well.  So late to work, but no issues.  Less discombobulated but a bit so. Was in bed before 11, so weird.  Maybe meds?  We increased SSRI dose before the holidays.  Have appt with psychiatrist for the first time tomorrow afternoon for a med review.  Is apparently a 2 hr appt.  I expect it to be draining.  So, finishing around 3, I don’t plan to return to the office for one more hour and will just go home.  Also starting to work on the maze of submitting Veterans Affairs medical disability claims. Very confusing.  Have contacts to some resources to assist.  Point is not for monetary award, but acknowledgement and subsequent ability to get funding for future medical costs associated.

Oh, got my happy light SAD lamp from amazon yesterday. Turned it on while getting ready post shower in the bathroom this morning. Will see if it makes any difference.


Last edited by Greensprout on Tue Jan 09, 2018 10:04 pm; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Added last paragraph.)
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Pedidoc on Tue Jan 09, 2018 10:57 pm

Will be sending positive thought for tomorrow.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Meant2Move on Wed Jan 10, 2018 1:19 pm

I hope the SAD lamp proves helpful. My husband really struggles in the winter with short days or when we have a lot of gray days in a row. Sunshine or good light make such a difference to him.

Hoping for the best for you with that appointment.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Narrowminded on Wed Jan 10, 2018 2:26 pm

GS thinking our you with your appt.

If that light seemed to help would you mind posting which one you decided on. Thanks.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Greensprout on Wed Jan 10, 2018 6:04 pm

NM, i bought this one.  https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B0094HBU6I/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1  Have tuned it on for 20 min or so the past 2 mornings in the bathroom when out of shower and doing hair/makeupfor work.  Had good reviews.

So long afternoon.  Had to fill out a crap ton of questionnaires about physical sx, depression sx, anxiety sx, alcohol use and suicidality risk.  Conclusion is major depressive disorder with anxiety along  with the PTSD.  Not particularly surprising to me.  Adding a new SSNRI med along with what I’m currently on, with intent to rather aggressively increase dose over the next month.  See psychiatrist again in 2 and 4 weeks, before the cruise.  Some recommendations for further medical investigations to rule out cardiac arrhythmia (Holter monitor), and get baseline markers for autoimmune issues.  Good/bad?  It apparently is what it is for now.  Deep breath, take it a day at a time.  Focus is on improving sleep and anxiety sx to start.  Still seeing psychologist every 2 weeks for PTSD stuff, a CBT approach. Pretty much a hot mess, IMO.

Hubby found a crazy pic of us in a photo booth from either our early dating or married days.  Too funny.


Last edited by Greensprout on Wed Jan 10, 2018 6:22 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Typo)
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Greensprout on Wed Jan 10, 2018 6:14 pm



Photos of me at age 22/23, hiking on a camping trip with he who became hubby in Jasper National park.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Greensprout on Wed Jan 10, 2018 7:15 pm

Here’s the pic hubby found, circa 1991.  He had lots more hair then, lol.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by marcadav on Wed Jan 10, 2018 7:48 pm

Great pictures!

I know you are dealing with some very real issues and I hope you find relief soon. That being said, each time I read your journal this question pops into my head, "Could hormones, especially peri-menopausal issues, be compounding Greensprout's very real symptoms?"

I mention this because in my mid forties I thought I was losing my mind and felt completely without control. I had my endocrinologist, after he said my thyroid levels were fine, run tests for female hormones. My estradiol level came back undetectable. I was told to see my gynecologist as soon possible since I was still having regular periods. With the help of my gyno things improved for me.

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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Greensprout on Wed Jan 10, 2018 8:43 pm

Marcadav, the psychiatrist certainly did say that perimenopausal decreases in estrogen can exacerbate mood disorders. Periods are now irregular, now between 30 to as much as 108 days between cycles. 7-8 cycles the last 3 years each. Thyroid levels were ok, only T3 was perhaps a tad low. Don’t have actual numbers on hand.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Narrowminded on Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:43 pm

Love the pics GS, you’re beautiful. Cute hubby too. Hoping the new meds will help.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Pedidoc on Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:58 pm

Great to see the photos. I personally think you are more beautiful now. Not surprised by the diagnosis. Good on adding the med. hope you feel better soon.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Greensprout on Thu Jan 11, 2018 12:06 am

Thanks, NM. He is cute Smile. Perhaps 25 in the pic, now 52. Still cute to me. Son #1 is mostly a carbon copy of hubby, with lighter hair.

As for meds, I really didn’t want to go down that route, but concluded that perhaps it was a necessary evil. SSRI/SSRNI plus benzos, crazy stuff, but there it is. Feck. Need to get past the current distress, cuz it sucks big time. Damn thankful that I have an understanding boss who has my back, and is also a friend from before he became my boss. Hubby is all in the know as well, and have disclosed some of it to my boys.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Greensprout on Thu Jan 11, 2018 12:08 am

Thanks, Pedi.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by perennialpam on Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:19 am

Great looking people you two are!

And now it begins....hopefully with some additional relief from issues.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by The Walrus on Thu Jan 11, 2018 8:32 am

Love the pics! Gorgeous! And think of the years you have been together...children...careers...gives me chills.

I'm glad to hear you are progressing even though it is very hard. And I too hope the light works, and that you will share the experience with us. Even though I'm moving to a sunny climate, I'm very curious about the light effect.
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Re: Every day remains a wandering road

Post by Meant2Move on Thu Jan 11, 2018 1:35 pm

Love the pictures - took me right back to college years when I met and did tons of hiking and climbing with the guy I married. I always wanted hair like yours! ;-)
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