HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Pebbles67 on Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:00 am

So happy to hear your health news!

Send some of those healthy eating vibes my way.

I understand the difficulty of going through a parents' things. I have done it in several stages in the 6+ years since my Mom died.

On a lighter note, I binged watched Morrocco: Love in Times of War. (Binging is a theme in my life.) I loved it, but it was over way too soon. I was totally in love with Pedro. The accents are to die for. I lived in Spain for a semester 30 years ago.
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Pedidoc on Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:06 am

Fantastic news about the clot. Baby steps are the way to start.
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Heuristicfireflower on Wed Feb 07, 2018 12:17 am

Hola, Pebbles! how cool to live there. Where were you based? Spain was probably my favorite country to visit of the few I did. Loved the people, the furthur south we traveled the friendlier the folks got, I remember. Loved the historic sites. Yes, the protagonists...muy guapos! I think the most important action I took to change my outcome was drinking loads of water. I shot for 80 oz, ca day, but, was good if I managed 60-70 oz. other days. From my research, one of the biggest contributors to blood stickiness issues in DVTs and diabetes complications is dehydration. It most likely helped to "wash" out the area and helped to clean it out sooner than later. I tried to walk as much as possible and was very conscious of sitting and tried to keep the couch plopping down to less than an hour or hour and a half. Plus was good about taking mu fish oil and curcumin and vit C.
I know the dad clothes project will be a bit painful. Yes, it has had to be in small bites, but, I can see that it is finite and once its done its done! Smile

Thanks Pedidoc, Shout out to you as I finished a batch of turkey lentil chili and working, now, on a small quantity of caramelized onions for some French onion soup. Aaaand that's it for this month, LOL. Im impressed how a busy professor with student corrections and prep for class syllabus can turn out a months worth of good eats. Baby steps even in batch cooking as I figure out the organization part of it. Smile
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Heuristicfireflower on Wed Feb 07, 2018 4:52 am

Thanks M2M, NM.  Me, put on sow salsa and do a happy dance as well!!!!  Very Happy
Hi LB,  Thank you, moving forward on many many things.  Duly noted the note.  :]
PPam, it seems to be an ongoing thing.  I was pressing an organize site and they had noted a sight called FreeCycle.   It's a goods and services communities exchange by local areas.   Just found one post asking for an unneeded G4 computer.  It sounds like this persons finances are quite limited and am considering donating my machine.  It's doing exactly what the person described - "get in touch if you have a mac you don't want collecting dust"
This is the kind of donating I'm more inclined to rather than to Goodwill or the other bigger thrift businesses.  I found these articles and was a bit taken aback at the profitable industry of reselling to poor folks - Where do your old clothes go?  
The Truth About Where Your Donated Clothes End Up

I'm searching for local charities that work directly with folks who are in need.

Thanks RigD, Yes, a burden on my mind that's been thoroughly relieved.  Wake-up Call has been fully absorbed into my health shift.
Ankle is 95% there as far as mobility.  No thanks to the MediCal referred physical therapist group which never called me back.  The therapist I hired has give me, not only explanations and exercises, but, completely restored confidence in the use and healing of my ankle.  I am grateful that I am healing relatively quickly.
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Narrowminded on Wed Feb 07, 2018 8:06 am

HFF the happiness coming through in your post is awesome. You sound fantastic. Great report all the way around
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Annieh on Fri Feb 09, 2018 5:17 am

HFF, so pleased your ankle is healing so well, and your confidence is increasing again.

Nothing to say the person you donate your computer to won't sell or somehow make profit from it.

The donated clothes story was interesting. I read one once about someone who went to Africa and actually found their OWN donated t-shirt, complete with unique logo, in the marketplace. Some of these things go round and round in circles.

It is sad that so much is mass produced and then never cherished.
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Meant2Move on Fri Feb 09, 2018 8:56 am

Thanks RigD, Yes, a burden on my mind that's been thoroughly relieved. Wake-up Call has been fully absorbed into my health shift.
Ankle is 95% there as far as mobility. No thanks to the MediCal referred physical therapist group which never called me back. The therapist I hired has give me, not only explanations and exercises, but, completely restored confidence in the use and healing of my ankle. I am grateful that I am healing relatively quickly.

Learning from and incorporating the lessons into our life is so important. A good therapist is a treasure! Once I found one, I've maintained that relationship because I so value what he has taught me and he nearly always has a workable strategy for keeping me moving in a healthy, vital way.
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Pebbles67 on Fri Feb 09, 2018 1:13 pm

Thanks for the info on how you healed your clot. Cool that you got off blood thinners. I am a lifer.

I lived in Seville in southern Spain for a college semester when I was 20. I would so love to see it again someday. I'm sure things would be much more tame at 50. Spanish men...Yum. Lol
Actually, the teacher in the next classroom is from Spain. I just adore him.
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Heuristicfireflower on Fri Feb 09, 2018 4:58 pm

Thanks NM,  I have been doing much thinking….    especially on the portion sizes, which has something to do with scarcity in my mind.   I am being conscious about eating smaller portions that actually fill me up rather than overstuffing because it's there or the sense that I will never have it available again.   Eating higher fat helps with that.  Lifetime of emotional attachment to food.  But, am making headway because the reality is I don't want to contribute to a scary unhealthy future of my own making.

Hi Annie,  True, I did think about that.  But, he was asking for a computer that works.  I may hold on to it and turn it into a tower storage as it has 3 HD's in it.  thinking'…..
Oh my god!  That's funny and know I see should;t be surprising.  

M2M, yes!  Eric the PT actually made a point in giving me exercises to increase confidence in using my ankle.  Helped me go full forward in exercise and walking. Using my foot as soon as I could walk on it only made my ankle better.  Eric gave me stretches and weight balance exercises, which I do when have to stand in line, at school. etc.  Even jumping up and down landing on toes as I touchdown is building strength on floor or Pilates machine.  I have 98% mobility once again.  As soon as I have extra pennies will be going back and work with him to systematically fix all the other issues like low and upper back and crimped areas in-between and beneath my shoulder blades.  

Pebbles, Southern Spain is the part I loved most. I got to visit 1st time in my 40's. Was such a grand time. Loved it. I hope to visit again one day. Never give up hope, even with the drug, I'm sure you can work with natural blood supporters. I hope it is not too much hassle for you on the anti-coagulant.

I am thinking on all the research I learned about supporting the healing process.  Vit C was big on the list for helping form new collagen.  Never really incorporated gelatin, but, have had homemade soups often and always some protein at meals. I did a lot of prayer 1st weeks of diagnosis of DVT.  So scared.  I believe God led me to the answers of all the things I could do to help optimize the healing of both.  The fact that I never reached therapeutic levels of Warfarin and the clot cleared in under 3 months is strong testimony that applying natural therapies really really works.   Adequate water intake was the biggest change I made.  I think it definitely helped wash in the nutrient and wash out the clot products, clearing it out naturally.  I'm astounded how important water is to great health.  Dehydration will contribute to sticky platelets and higher blood sugar, kidney stone formation and irritating build-up in veins and arteries leading to inflammation that affects how your blood aggregates and higher risk of abnormal clot formation.
Sedentary is a scary verb for me.  I'm much more conscious of moving.  If i'm standing I'll alternate weight on toe to heal for awhile or stand on one or the other leg for at least 30 seconds.  Sitting I'll squeeze my butt  ad thighs for a few sessions.  Also, will take BREAKS.  No more sitting for 4-5 hours, even, if I have deadlines.  Some studies even point out productivity is actually increased when taking movement breaks.  Brain has better circulation, blood is not stagnant.  

Rare that I get foggy brain.  Only when I overeat starchy carbs and sometimes protein.   Have been waking up with almost no anxiety to start my day in dread.   Tryptophan and adequate sleep is the key for me.
I am more sociable!  Surprising as I am an introvert, but, I enjoy having some nice interactions with the students and my co-workers.  :]
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Narrowminded on Fri Feb 09, 2018 6:18 pm

HFF I love hearing you so happy and excited about life. I too try to keep up with movement. No sense making our elder years rough

I read something once and can’t completely quote it, but something to the effect of sliding I to homeplate at the end of life. I want that to be me.

Congrats on all you are doing to keep your movement, water etc up
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Lovebird on Sat Feb 10, 2018 2:24 am

Narrowminded wrote:HFF I love hearing you so happy and excited about life.

Ditto! Very Happy
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Lovebird on Thu Mar 01, 2018 7:17 am

Love how you checked in with pretty much everyone on such a positive note. We do expect an update though... whenever you're ready. Wink
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Heuristicfireflower on Mon May 14, 2018 7:08 am

Have been going through more mental shifting.  I think I spend too much time on the net and needed to extract myself from it and face life.  Hence my visits to the social sites are getting briefer.  May not post much, but, I love to read what's going on with everyone and will be enjoying journals as often as I can, while taking the necessary time to make something of my life.

Today had a ranty breakdown.  Started with surprise at seeing about 4-5 filled bins, each weighing at least 15-20 pounds knocked off the 7 foot high shelf in the garage.
Surprising because they were pushed well in, are heavy and stable and bottom weighted. Not only were the top ones knocked off and out, but, the lower short ones were as well.  Very odd.  I was frustrated and upset because all I wanted to do was pot up some plants and spend time in the garden with my mom and then take her out to dinner.  Instead spent the entire afternoon sweating and trying to put everything back.... couldn't was too heavy and had to pull out objects and got even more mad and just threw out stuff.  Instant reason to purge - Forgotten things, til I saw them in there.  No longer relevant in my life.  Some were my dad's stuff and some of my old aquarium and bird books were just taking up space.  Just tired of dealing with eveyone's s$%t, today!  Literally, what with constantly, picking up my mom's clothes off of shelves, floor and hanging them up, the stuff in the garage......  My dad's interest are not mine and I no longer keep critters, pets so out they go.  In hindsight the anger helped me quickly sort through some of those bins in minutes.

To top off the day, as I reached for something my hand overshot and I rammed my fingers into the wooden rotten shelf and shoved a splinter 1/4 under my nail!  Oooooh, I had had it at that point.  Sensation and frustration found it's way in tears.  Maybe needed to let it out.  Usually pain is the catalyst for what I am too embarrassed to allow.  Visit to urgent care in the morning.

Yes. My vexation and unfulfillment have been pent up a loooong time.  I'm slowly getting used to the idea that I cannot escape this incredibly unpleasant part of my life and the only way out is through it.  I think, like the fits of tears, in small spurts is how it's going to happen.  This isn't meant to be a downer, just a day in the life written down as I carve a path on this journey.

BUT,  there are always things to be grateful for.
Like my unkempt lawn.  :]      



That little bald spot among the field of blue is where these cheery poppies came up a week after.



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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Heuristicfireflower on Mon May 14, 2018 7:20 am

Another thing of beauty. There were dozens of them at the Arboretum. Have never seen these displays in person and close-up. Privileged.

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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Narrowminded on Mon May 14, 2018 4:32 pm

So sorry for your rough day, I am completely empathize with you. Here’s hoping for a better day.

Love the beauty of your yard, so cheerful.
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by perennialpam on Mon May 14, 2018 6:43 pm

Love your yard too. Love those poppies! My grove of poppies changed last year. Not as many came up and bloomed. Have no idea why as it has been there for years.

Beautiful.

Sorry for your problems in the garage but purging occurred and that is great!
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Meant2Move on Mon May 14, 2018 6:47 pm

It is great to hear from you, even if you just needed a place to rant. And tears can be so cathartic - sometimes I am grateful when they come as I usually feel better for the little cry. Your flowers are so lovely - bright and cheerful!
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Rig D on Tue May 15, 2018 7:16 am

Peacocks are ridiculous but gorgeous.
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Lovebird on Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:11 am

Hey HFF! Thought I'd pop by and add this pretty pic of your beloved rose from your old MDA journal.



Happy to hear you're doing well, even when the ankle is still not back to its former form. Must be frustrating at times, that it takes so long to heal completely. Hope all is well with your Mom and everyone/everything else.
Pretty sure your beautiful garden is still showing plenty of colour, where mine is mostly shades of green (aside from the potted plants). Wink
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Heuristicfireflower on Sat Jul 07, 2018 8:37 pm

Heatwave is horrific, record breaking in fact.   It's never been this hot this time of year.   Yesterday was shlepping my art gear in 118 • sunshine.   Even enduring short stints in this oppressing heat walking to and from car  (in shade when possible), wound up with a sort of heat stress.  Similar to a low grade panic attack.  Constricted breathing from just the stress of being in over 100 temps.   Drank water and tea all day, but, had to sit down in the classroom, lights off under the air-cooling vent for 1/2 hour and control my breathing.   Anxiety throughout.  JEez.  

Funny, but, had just left the DO's office for treatment of vagus nerve among other stuff. Doc said that it controls breathing, digestion, nerves, vascular flow.  That's directly related to the stress response and I think my issue with elimination.  Stress will constrict the diaphragm as well as the muscle of the gut.  The reaction to the heat made sense and the info helped me keep it under control.  My hope with a few more treatments is to unrestrict the vagus nerve by releasing the tension I've held in my body for over a decade.  

Breathing exercises now a routine.  I realize how massively important my walks are, a meditative release for me in those 40 min to 1.5 hour moving escapes.  Otherwise, the valve just explosively uncorks and I just cry and let out all the frustrations and fears.   Have been doing so for the last couple months.   Really facing how unhappy I am at times.   Not depressed always, but, certain things trigger a deep despair.  One cannot fix what one does not know is there.

As a female, growing up, it was not acceptable to have and worse to voice needs or concerns.  Deal with it and hold it all in.  Don't show your emotions.  No discussion. Just follow the rules set by the patriarch.   Well, as responsibility was piled on me when my dad and brother got sick and died I held it in and even felt embarrassed to say I was overwhelmed while the knot in my stomach was foretelling this was going to reach a limit.  But, you kind of play it off and tell people in a self deprecating manner that "oh, it will turn out all right" or just not mention where any of this will eventually go.  Gives the impression one is really strong and you even convince yourself for a minute.  Otherwise, the perception of weakness makes people too uncomfortable.  

I am fortunate however, that a few people in my life understand and don't fear my need to release the pressure however that comes.   For me part of my healing process is venting and the need to talk about my situation.  

What I found is that different friends offer different types of support.  
How did I not perceive this before?!

But, I found that not all friends can deal with all of you.   When I spoke to a long time friend (I love her dearly, but, see that a break is better) and wanted to relate the latest in the family dynamics, she broke in and said I shouldn't expect my brothers to rescue me and basically I should get over it.  I had vented about this many times, but, I had a new piece to add: The fact that Riverside brother DID offer to step in.  In the conversation I held up my hand as a gesture pause to let me add the best part.  As in "Oh wait!! Let me tell you the best part!!"
She got offended.   Insisted I was shushing her and being rude by putting my hand up.  Well, I was taken aback and said " you didn't let me finish".

I remembered she broke in.  Coming from her evaluation of me as a complainer who never does anything ( I understand why she came to this conclusion) she felt she had to let me know I should get off this track.  She said I was rude and she has never treated me with such disrespect, why would I do that to her?!   Like a flash something came to mind - I pointed out that she would flick me off from time to time when she didn't like a comment or whatever.  I said I found that offensive and on we went to debate what she assumed was inexcusable behavior on my part and the tip of the iceberg of the dynamics of our friendship started to come to the surface.  

This was an interesting development.   It took a week for me to evaluate the whole discussion and think on whether I was indeed rude or what.  My sense of the whole thing is that she's been going through changes herself and feels she has to be blunt and aggressive to keep her boundaries.  Fine.  I know, now, she is not tolerant of other folk's stress because she has her own massive amounts and has a direct way to deal with it.  I get it.  It's maddening to know an approach that works for you and the other person won't use it.   Her way of handling it is to punch it in the face, mostly with diplomacy, but, hardline and blunt.  Which I admired.  

But I'm not her.

What I didn't get to tell her and may not, is that I have my own trajectory and pace.  I cannot punch my way out. What I do is keep stepping forward.   Trudging perhaps, but, forward.  I am an evaluator,  a deliberate thinker for the most part and an observer.  
Lack of energy is the barrier, not, unwillingness.  I am always working on that.  But, you tell people that and they just think you're a weeny.   I would feel bad before because I accepted another's assumptions about ME!  I would think yeah, it's all in my head and I should be up and running like I never had emotional stress in my life!  I'm really not sick physically, I'm just lazy.  Like these folks never had emotional stress in their lives, definitely forgot what it's like.  I've stopped apologizing for my current state in life.   I go as fast as I can.  Won't be on the defense or against the rope trying to justify my path.  Don't have to explain anything to anyone when they JUDGE.  

Anyway, my health is on the mend.  The Texas brother made a comment about all the supplements I take. Implying  that I spend so much money on garbage and never improve.  Even sent me an article saying this is so……
I thought on that too.   Well, my obsession with health and trying things - Brought me out of critical health, exhaustion issues and kept me productive with a job, has kept my mom just this side of diabetes for over a decade, and healed my clot before 3 months was out.  My obsessive trait has given me high end skills because of endless hours of study most of my life.  Positives that get buried even by me.

A lot of my stress is chronic, locked in with no vocal or otherwise outlet and that's been devastating to my health. So, I have to let it out in intervals.  Journals, like this one, even if no one reads, are a great relief unloading whats on my mind.  But, I do know people read and care.  Makes a big difference to know you're not alone.

Letting the moments pass through you is the key.  Don't evade or avoid or hold it in.
Elizabeth Gilbert wrote something so eloquent about grief that made a deep impression on me.
This is an excerpt from her FB page:   https://www.facebook.com/GilbertLiz/posts/1850682221680551

"Here is what I have learned about Grief, though.
I have learned that Grief is a force of energy that cannot be controlled or predicted. It comes and goes on its own schedule. Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love.
The only way that I can “handle” Grief, then, is the same way that I “handle” Love — by not “handling” it. By bowing down before its power, in complete humility.
When Grief comes to visit me, it’s like being visited by a tsunami. I am given just enough warning to say, “Oh my god, this is happening RIGHT NOW,” and then I drop to the floor on my knees and let it rock me. It’s a full-body experience. To resist it is to be brutalized by it. You just bow down — that’s all you CAN do — and you let this thing roll through your heart and body and mind, in all its vehemence.
How do you survive the tsunami of Grief?
By being willing to experience it, without resistance. By being willing to feel everything. By being willing to accept the unacceptable.
The conversation of Grief, then, is one of prayer-and-response.
Grief says to me: “You will never love anyone the way you loved Rayya.”
And I reply: “I am willing for that to be true.”
Grief says: “She’s gone, and she’s never coming back.”
I reply: “I am willing for that to be true.”
Grief says: “You will never see her walk in the door again.”
I say: “I am willing.”
Grief says: “You will never have access to her wisdom again.”
I say: “I am willing.”
Grief says: “You will never hear that laugh again.”
I say: “I am willing.”
Grief says, “You will never smell her skin again.”
I get down on the floor on my fucking knees, and — and through my sheets of tears — I say, “I AM WILLING.”
I am beginning to understand that Grief is not the same thing as Depression. Depression is unwilling. Grief is a MOVEMENT — catastrophic and mighty — that you ALLOW to rock you and spin you. Depression is refusal to feel. Depression is a refusal to move, or to be moved. Depression is resistance, and resistance is futile.
I am not depressed, in the wake of Rayya’s death. I am DESTROYED, but I am not depressed — but that’s only because I am willing to be destroyed.
I will live on, because I am WILLING. I am willing to take this life on God’s terms, not mine.
Love’s terms, not mine.
Grief’s terms, not mine.
I am willing to surrender to the reality that I will never understand any of this. I am even willing to accept that I may not ever fully heal from the loss of Rayya.
Grief says: “You may never recover from this”
And I say: “I am willing.”
This is the job of the living — to be willing to bow down before EVERYTHING that is bigger than you. And nearly everything in this world is bigger than you. Let your willingness be the only big thing about you."




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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Heuristicfireflower on Sat Jul 07, 2018 8:38 pm

Thank you Lovebird.  I  love my flower babies.   That photo is bittersweet - I lost that rose a year ago.  Was my favorite, so fragrant.  I continue to use gardening as therapy.  Buying plants and arranging in pots in one area of the yard is part of the creative outlet for me.  I have ventured into growing on some chiles - Jalapeños and Anaheims.   Will see if I'm forced into battle with pests and veggie thieves.
The rest of the yard needs lots of work, but, I 'm not doing it by myself.  So it will sit until I can afford to hire pros.

What I labor for



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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Annieh on Sat Jul 07, 2018 9:19 pm

Oh my goodness, Heuristic Fire Flower, that piece of writing is so powerful.


You are indeed mending, that is a beautiful thing. Keep hold of the good things.
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Narrowminded on Sat Jul 07, 2018 10:59 pm

HFF I so get it. My journal here and on the ALS forum are what keep me sane through all the emotional stuff.

Love the piece of writing you shared. It is so very, very true.

Love the healing you are going through.
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Heuristicfireflower on Mon Jul 09, 2018 3:26 am


Thank you Annieh,
I most certainly will continue to uncover and hold onto the good.
Thank you NM Yes. Journals are important in processing difficult situations. Glad that you are able to keep your strength and sanity as well.

The tussle with grief as Elizabeth described struck a chord.
That is a big part of what blocked me. Voicelessness and the grief of loss of my father and brother and the loss of my safety net (financial and emotional) and support. Until recently, didn't know that's what I needed to address. I think it took a decade to rebuild my mind and body to withstand the purging.

You know, the cool part, it seems that with the episodes of deep tearful, wrenching confrontations of my biggest fears, the sense of moving forward feels like it's accelerating.
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

Post by Narrowminded on Mon Jul 09, 2018 7:49 am

HFF - I’m so happy you could get some decent cleansing going that is allowing you to heal. So very important.

Have an amazing day.
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Re: HeuristicFireFlower's Reach for Highest Potential

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