AutumnTiger starting over

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Post by Narrowminded on Tue Dec 25, 2018 1:53 pm

Merry Christmas AT
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Post by Annieh on Mon Dec 31, 2018 10:40 pm

Happy New Year, AT.
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Post by Narrowminded on Tue Jan 01, 2019 11:13 am

Happy New Year AT
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Post by perennialpam on Tue Jan 01, 2019 11:45 am

Dawn, miss you around here. Happy New Year.
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Post by AutumnTiger on Fri Jan 04, 2019 3:51 am

Happy New Year, all.

Still struggling. Just reading your well-wishes reduced me to tears, not at all sure what is going on there. I've had a cold since Christmas Eve, and no period in December (sorry for too much info!) so hormones may be a factor.

I definitely need some tribe catch up time, but first, the working day to be done.

{{hugs}}
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Post by Meant2Move on Fri Jan 04, 2019 12:39 pm

Always nice to hear from you!  Take care, and best wishes for a healthier new year.
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Post by AutumnTiger on Tue Jan 08, 2019 3:40 pm

Clearing the air: I don't want to be a negative ninny but this needs putting down so I can move on.

Since writing most of this post on Saturday, I have decided on a course of action, including a new journal. Do yourself a favour ... skip ahead to the new journal: Tiger Tales of 2019.

I am closing out this journal with this post. I will only post in my new journal when I am strong enough to be positive with what is in there. Which is not to say it will be all sweetness and light, because real life just isn't like that and we have a few family issues kicking about, but my personal observations will be positive.

Christmas did not turn out at all the way I had hoped. Maybe there was too much hope and not enough intention. It was far from a disaster, and it definitely had highlights, but it was just too darn busy. Not the quiet, restful, homely, sit-on-the-sofa-fest that I had envisaged.
Developing a cold on Christmas Eve was certainly not on the agenda. My boss' ears should have been burning to ash from my blaming him for making me go in to the office thus exposing me to a myriad of germs.

So, it started on Saturday 15th, which was cleaning ahead of the family visiting on Sunday. They came for brunch, arriving at about 10:30 and while the in-laws left at a reasonable time, SS1 and his fiancee had to be politely asked to leave so we could go to a carol service.
Mon 17th - Def Leppard were awesome, but we didn't get home until 1.30am. Not the best start to the working week.
Tue 18th DH and I went out to dinner at the college restaurant where B is doing his apprenticeship.
Wed 19th involved tree decorating. The tree came in to the house on Sunday, but needed to settle and then everyone arrived.
Thu 20th home hockey game
Fri 21st I had to be in the office; and breathe Christmas break has started. Oh, no, DH took us out to do the final food shop after a local friend posted that the supermarket was pretty empty.
Sat 22nd disappeared in last minute other Christmas shopping, like stocking fillers etc.
Sun 23rd day out in Coventry (about 1h 15m drive away) for Ingress and a meal with friends ahead of the away hockey game: we won on penalties after giving up a 3-1 lead to level 4-4 in regulation then failing to score in overtime. We then bumped into several of the away crowd in the services as we stopped off for food on the way home. Much fun, but a later night than necessary. B coming home at 2:20am and waking me up is not appreciated. His curfew was midnight.
Mon 24th brought the cold, a trip to the zoo with the grandson*, carols by candlelight at Church followed by Carols on the High Street.
Christmas Day - just the three of us at home. B has a hangover so it pretty morose. Food was lovely, I got to play with Lego - a very thoughtful gift from B (DH had given him a roasting over lack of birthday gifts and the lie that they were ordered remembering that B had been on impromptu holiday with his brother due to a raffle win) but overall day was somewhat subdued. We also ate late-ish, whereas I prefer an early to mid-afternoon meal with time for TV after then pudding later, etc.
Boxing Day (26th) some downtime, more Lego for me, home hockey game. I had to take B's phone off him at 2:10 am as he was chatting to someone; this was after already being warned at close to midnight that it was time to shut-up.
Thu 27th - away hockey game, a good 90 minutes away, takes up most of the day. we lost
Fri 28th - I think I collapsed
Sat 29th - have to get up early to take my car for its MOT. Spend a couple of hours wandering round until its ready. It passed - phew! More Lego. I started the video game I got for Christmas. The darts is on in the evenings.
Sunday 30th - ???
Mon 31st - a bit of food shopping. A lovely dinner for two, DH and I watching films while B is out. In bed before midnight but not too much before, was drifting off to the sound of fireworks.
Tue 1st HNY. DH has declared that he feels the break has been wasted because we've stayed in (for two days) and wants to do something. We attend a geocaching event at a monument in a local-ish (30m drive) national park. We then spend the afternoon at the zoo, before going to pick up B who has been working (job, not apprenticeship, doing food at a local football ground). Darts final in the evening.
Wed 2nd - back to work!

DH has had gout pretty much throughout Christmas, including a three-day prescription medication.

Mid-December I started with a skin flare-up, which I identified as being related to mince-pies and have managed to get it under control if not fully cleared yet.

My sleep has been pretty terrible for the whole of December. There were ten nights when sleep came in two chunks - usually a couple of hours then waking around 2am and not getting back to sleep until around 4am for another four hours. That is not a usual pattern for me at all. It was pretty evenly split too, with at least two nights each week.

Fortunately, for the last week I have slept through, and the last six days average 8h sleep.

Over and above all though is the news that DH's dad, who we do not see enough of due to failings on both sides, ha just started treatment for esophageal cancer. He seems to feel the outlook is good, though in general the survival rates are amongst the poorest and the shortest. I'm worried and saddened by the news.



*long story short DSS1 started at age 16, child was born the day after my step-sons' mum passed and the details got lost with the turmoil, and access has only just become a reasonably regular thing. GS has just turned five but lives 300 miles away.


B's college meal
A lovely meal, although we decided that we had the comedy table. Bearing in mind that there were only three tables eating: DH and myself, plus two tables of small groups (4-6 people). We had no starter forks, so two knives on the table but only one fork each. The salt cellar not only had no salt, it didn't even have a stopper in the hole. There were a couple of other things, but it made the evening memorable. The food, however, was superb. And much of it prepared by B. I had duck while DH had pork belly. All the trimmings and presentation were also special.


With news of DH's dad and other, what I consider to be more important, issues being experienced by other people - including here - I am struggling with some of the decisions I have had to make recently about the future. I am struggling because there is conflict between my head and heart over the decisions I have made, and I am struggling with feeling guilty over struggling to accept them when in the grand scheme of things there are people with far worse things to worry about.

The major decision has been to pursue the goal of a house rather than a PhD/academic/meaningful work. It is not so much that I am pursuing the money as I am still debating a job change, but what it wont be will be a job change that means I cannot save towards a house deposit, thereby ruling out a PhD. My current job is not well paid, but by the end of the year I will have no debt, and there is sufficient to save towards a house deposit thereafter.
The impact of this decision is that it takes away any possibility of split location/dual home. This is huge because it removes a possibility which would have provided me some breaks from B, whose presence in my home is a source of constant - albeit relatively minor - irritation. His life choices and attitudes are completely disparate from mine and DH, but he is still a minor and thus still our problem. The alternative is that I walk away entirely, and that is not yet an option I am willing to take. It is running close though and I will be seriously considering whether I sign my name to another (twelve month) rental agreement on this house when it comes due in May/June, or possibly before as I believe the agent needs to give us eight weeks' notice if they wish us to leave so they often send out the contract at that time if we are not being given notice. It is not that I don't intend to stay, but that I want to open up options of walking away without my name on a legal agreement. While DH could afford the house alone - just, I cannot afford a place on my own if I am contractually committed to this one. Nor do I want to leave DH. But at the moment it is like living in a bad house-share and I am too f-ing old to be putting up with this sh!t. Particularly with no end in sight.

In short, in general, I am isolated. Isolated from like-minded people. DH and I share many interests and hobbies, but not passions, values, lifestyles. I feel like I am chasing fun to keep me distracted. I make compromises to keep the peace. There are changes I do not make because I live in a group rather than alone. And yet. I love those distractions I share with DH. The days at the zoo are becoming a firm favourite. We love our road-trip away days for hockey.

I am not giving up. I continue to search for answers and balance.

But some days I stay late in bed playing phone games because I am overwhelmed with where to start on fixings things.

The main thought for fixing things seems to come back to decluttering. I guess it is a form of taking stock. Of making ready. Minimising and simplifying my life. Preparing to take flight. Maybe that is what paralyses me. If I get it done I will have no more excuses. I will not be tied. I will be free to make decisions, and maybe I want to put that off.
But I would love an organised and simplified house just for its own sake. And so I will begin. Now.

And I did ... more in the new Journal Tiger Tales of 2019

I am also, at least in the present moment - and these switch rapidly depending on how much sleep I've had - back to fight rather than flight. I have been doing this too long to let DH's kids ruin it for me now, when the end is almost in sight
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