Doing Everything Myself

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Post by ShelleyM on Wed Mar 27, 2019 11:05 pm

I am sooo irritated!!!!! Why do I have to do everything myself? I was reading in PPam's journal about asking for help. In PPam's case with sons maybe, but in husbands' cases, WHY? I come home from the same 40 hour week as he does and yet I do laundry, cook, clean, etc... while the others in the house just relax. Why should I have to ask for help with dinner or the dishes or cleaning the bathroom or making the beds? UGHHHHH!!!!!! Most of the time I pray myself past these moments. It isn't working right now and I am angry. I go and pray.
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Post by Pedidoc on Wed Mar 27, 2019 11:16 pm

Make new house rules.  Do your laundry and everyone else does their own.  Whoever cooks does not clean the kitchen.  They need to make their own beds and if it is a shared bed, the last one up makes it.  Rotate who cleans the bathroom.  You should not have to do all the housework.
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Post by Annieh on Thu Mar 28, 2019 2:34 am

Maybe you are the only one who wants these things done.  I've certainly felt that way. It's very had to get buy-in for tasks that no one even notices, let alone cares about. It could also be that you're the only one who knows how to do them.
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Post by Narrowminded on Thu Mar 28, 2019 6:58 pm

I have found that sometimes, we do them w/o saying anything so those around don’t think we mind, or just don’t think. Also check and make sure that when someone does something, even when the kids were young, did you ever “redo” what they did because it wasn’t up to your standards?

I ask this, because as a young person, my mom would remake my bed to her standards, so I quit making my bed, why should I waste my time is she was going to do it over anyway.

I don’t load her dishwasher, because she will rearrange everything.

Then DH would comment that the house needed vacuumed right after I had done it that day. I finally told him, vacuuming was his job since I didn’t do it right.

Just some thoughts.
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Post by ShelleyM on Fri Mar 29, 2019 10:18 pm

NM wrote: Also check and make sure that when someone does something, even when the kids were young, did you ever “redo” what they did because it wasn’t up to your standards?
I have made it a point with my children years ago and DH to be very careful about this. If they do something I praise and thank them profusely, and ignore how it was done. Smile

Pedi, thanks for the input. M is pretty good about doing laundry when we run out, and DS5 does his own as well. I will get more forceful about help with dishes after dinner. I know when they are done the night before, I have more time in the mornings.

Annie wrote:Maybe you are the only one who wants these things done. I've certainly felt that way. It's very had to get buy-in for tasks that no one even notices, let alone cares about.
Annie, I think this is the crux of my issue. Thank you for your insight. M is happy to help when I ask. I get tired of asking, but if it is not important to him, why would he notice it needs to be done? We finally had an intense conversation last night, and he confirmed it is not important, so he doesn't think about it. He even suggested I give him a list and he will do it. I am not giving the man a list, but I will ask for help when I need or want it. Smile

I feel better about the issue today.

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Post by Pedidoc on Sat Mar 30, 2019 8:45 am

I understand not wanting to make an individualized list, but maybe having a general list of daily, weekly, and monthly chores posted somewhere would assist in spontaneous assistance?
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Post by Rig D on Sat Mar 30, 2019 9:36 am

I'm with Pedi.
I'm terrible about doing house hold chores, and DW is much more cognizant of things that aren't done. If I don't have a working list of stuff that needs to be done, it won't happen. Suggest you re-visit your "no list" decision.
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Post by ShelleyM on Sat Mar 30, 2019 12:12 pm

I wondered if you were going to chime into this conversation Rig. Thank you for doing so; your perspective is welcome. Smile

You both are probably right about the list. I didn't think about making a general one. I hate things magnetized to the refrigerator, so I will have to think of somewhere to put it and make it pretty. Smile

Thank you!

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Post by Annieh on Sat Mar 30, 2019 3:46 pm

He might prefer a list to being constantly asked, or having to hold it in his head. Even I prefer having my own written shopping list or to-do list for example, than simply trying to remember. Since he actually asked for it, I don't think you need feel bad about writing it.
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Post by Pedidoc on Sat Mar 30, 2019 6:13 pm

You could put it on the inside of a cabinet or pantry door.
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Post by ShelleyM on Sat Mar 30, 2019 11:29 pm

That's a good idea, but if I do that will it be out of sight out of mind?
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Post by ONTARIO on Sun Mar 31, 2019 8:27 am

My hubby is pretty good around the house. While I cook most of the meals during the week he does the weekends. I do laundry and deep cleaning. He does 90% of all outside work like mowing, snow removal, spring and fall clean-up. He does all home repairs. He also, like me, is good about picking up as he goes along.

When we first had our son (first baby) I decided early on that he needed to help. So, after dinner I would say something like, "would you rather clean up the kitchen or give baby a bath? ". This set the tone for our marriage.

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Post by Rig D on Sun Mar 31, 2019 8:40 am

You are probably on board with this already, but just in case: I'd also say that when you've got a "biggie" project coming up that will require some real effort and time you should provide plenty of advance notice that it is coming, don't spring it on him the day before. I always like plenty of advance notice so I can figure out my own timeline to accommodate the project.
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Post by Pedidoc on Sun Mar 31, 2019 8:43 am

ShelleyM wrote:That's a good idea, but if I do that will it be out of sight out of mind?
It could be or put it in a cabinet that is opened often or if you have a master bathroom, on the mirror?
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Post by ShelleyM on Sun Mar 31, 2019 8:59 am

The coffee cup cabinet!!!!! Smile

M is more than agreeable when I ask for help. My frustration was because I had to ask. I now realize it was a form of miscommunication and now I know why I need to ask. I like the this or that form of asking Ontario. Between that and posting a list for more spontaneous assistance, I think it will be good.

M is the master of all the big projects. We discuss what we need to do and a rough sort of deadline, if there is one, and M handles it from there. He is much better at rounding up the children to pitch in when needed.
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Post by ONTARIO on Sun Mar 31, 2019 10:50 am

Rig D wrote:You are probably on board with this already, but just in case: I'd also say that when you've got a "biggie" project coming up that will require some real effort and time you should provide plenty of advance notice that it is coming, don't spring it on him the day before. I always like plenty of advance notice so I can figure out my own timeline to accommodate the project.

So true! One of my ploys is to pose a big idea as a, "whatcha think of this idea?" , and then just let him ponder on it. Then he comes back, a few days later, with his new and improved idea modification. Wink

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Post by ShelleyM on Wed Apr 03, 2019 10:54 pm

Self, a note to notice and be grateful for what they do. I started this thread, and now I am reminding myself to keep my eyes open for unexpected help. I woke up yesterday morning knowing I left meat on the floor next to the deep freeze as I was carrying groceries in. I thought I would need to throw it all away. I looked, and M had put it all away and never said anything to me about it. Bless M. Thank you.
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Post by Narrowminded on Thu Apr 04, 2019 6:11 pm

I’m glad you noticed the help. A sweet thank you later would probably help it to continue. Smile
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Post by Rig D on Thu Apr 04, 2019 7:15 pm

Just tell him thanks, no note needed.
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Post by ShelleyM on Thu Apr 04, 2019 7:39 pm

Rig, I somehow don't think she meant a note. Wink

NM, did and done. Smile
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Post by Rig D on Fri Apr 05, 2019 7:25 pm

Agree, I don't know where "note" came from, but I sure thought I saw it.
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Post by Narrowminded on Sat Apr 06, 2019 9:45 am

Note came from Shelly’s post to herself as a reminder to thank and recognize the things they do.

And yes, I was thinking along the line or words said with maybe a nice hug and/or smooch to go along with it. Smile
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