Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

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Post by Pedidoc on Wed Dec 26, 2018 11:53 am

Tomi, just a thought: with your fear of abandonment, could your son have felt like you were too much in his life? You mention this is the first Christmas apart, which at your son's age seems a bit odd to me based on my 4 boys. It is nothing you can change now, but it might help explain his need for some distance. He may not know how to find the "grey" area of some contact and has defaulted to the "black and white" of full or no contact.
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Post by marcadav on Wed Dec 26, 2018 2:19 pm

Tomi, You keep talking about abandonment issues but what are you actively doing to deal with those issues? I understand you have real reasons for those issues but don't you think it's time to unpack that baggage?

When my daughters were young and my youngest sister married her first husband-- someone my parents vehemently opposed--they blamed me for not stopping her and not siding with them. They said I deserved to be punished. Now, you have to understand, I lived 1100 miles away at the time and this all came about when I was home for a visit.

After that incident I didn't speak to my parents for 3 years. In fact it took another sister's wedding for us to speak. This was long after they resolved things with the sister that married the "wrong" person. They never apologized and while I had sporadic contact,therapy, lots of therapy, helped me deal with them and my past.

Now on to your son, just as you (and most of us) have issues from your past--some you've dealt with, some you still struggle with-- so does your son. He may need time, lots of time, to deal with HIS issues. Some of those issues may have to do with you (no parent is perfect), in some way, but since he's an adult it is his job to let you know.

Until he feels he's ready to enlighten you, I suggest you reframe things. First by not taking his distance personally--hard I know. Second by hoping and trusting he is working on himself-- this is important given the things you have mentioned.

I also think you should send the coat. Continuing to show your love and concern, even from afar, may help him in the long run.

I know how you feel The issue I had with one of my children, took place over,not only Christmas, but also my birthday- which is close to Christmas. Said child(T2) texted the day before my birthday, saying they'd come over for my birthday if I wanted. It took all I had to tell T2 that while I'd love to celebrate my birthday with them, we hadn't dealt with our issues. I told her I was ready to talk when she was. It took until after Christmas for her to reach out.

In the end, while T2 and I still have our struggles, we are a lot closer now.

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Post by tomi1000 on Wed Dec 26, 2018 7:00 pm

Narrowminded wrote:Tomi - I think you should just send the coat.  Then the ball is in his court.  I don’t think he is going to answer you.

I’m so sorry you are feeling all of this right now.

Hugs

I agree........ I guess I was hoping he would say to keep it until he comes down - that would at least give me hope that this isn't a permanent thing.

Pedidoc wrote:Tomi, just a thought: with your fear of abandonment, could your son have felt like you were too much in his life?  You mention this is the first Christmas apart, which at your son's age seems a bit odd to me based on my 4 boys.  It is nothing you can change now, but it might help explain his need for some distance.  He may not know how to find the "grey" area of some contact and has defaulted to the "black and white" of full or no contact.

I don't really thing that is an issue - He is 33 but, still single and has practically no social group. Making friends has never been easy for him due to his social anxiety, which lead to being socially awkward. I have tried to let him know I'm interested in what is happening in his life without prying for information. When he doesn't want to talk about something he makes it quite clear, almost to the point of being rude. I'm trying not to assign a reason to this because honestly I have no idea what could possibly make him completely shut me out. Our little event on the 4th of July was so minor - and then I asked him not to come to the lake the following weekend because I was still upset with him, plus there would be small children coming and I knew he wouldn't enjoy himself. If I had to make a "stab in the dark" guess I would say the work he is doing with his counselor has a lot to do with this. He is trying to come to terms with how and why he has the social struggles and he is blaming me for "failing" him. I would guess his counselor is telling him I handicapped him by not being a stronger mom and forcing him to continue with swim lessons and to learn to ride a bike and play team sports - all of which he refused to do. I can't go into it further than since that is all the info I have concerning his counseling.

It is hurting me deeply.......... but I need to let it go. I can do nothing to fix it. I have left the door wide open for discussion and hopefully reconciliation and it is up to him to walk through it. That is my head speaking.............. my heart is screaming out in pain.
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Post by tomi1000 on Wed Dec 26, 2018 7:24 pm

marcadav wrote:Tomi, You keep talking about abandonment issues but what are you actively doing to deal with those issues? I understand you have real reasons for those issues but don't you think it's time to unpack that baggage?

I don't think seeing a counselor for this issue is going to help much. I have worked with a counselor in the past, and his guidance was probably the best I could ever hope for. I have had feelings of being abandoned for as long back as I can remember.
- my father dying prior to my birth translated to my tender little brain and heart that I was not important enough for him to live a less reckless life.
- my mother was distant and unloving - she was dealing with her own struggles
- my oldest sister who was my main caregiver until I was 6 promptly moved out when she turned 18
- multiple "best friends" moved on to other friendships and I never knew why
- my Grandad who was my only father figure died when I was 16
- Hubby who was my first love, walked away from me (came back 20 years later Smile )
- my first husband was always distant and then chose divorce at the first mention of the option

There are other situations and people who have chose to not be a part of my life.

I have the knowledge and the tools to deal with these feelings of abandonment - I know how to work through the dark times. My counselor taught me how to love myself enough to cover what I perceive as a "love betrayal" by others. I just have to stay on top of it. When things happen I have to find my center again - and that sometimes takes a while. I have always compared my struggles to that of a person who has PTSD. It is something that you never completely get "cured" of --- but something that will, at times and of varying degrees, always be a part of you. This is an issue that has been with me since birth, or at least for as long as I have had a sense of belonging (or not).

I will be fine -- I am growing. I have learned much these past 20 years. It might seem slow or not existent from where you all sit - as you only read my struggles. But I am much stronger woman than I was 20 years ago.
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Post by tomi1000 on Thu Dec 27, 2018 1:46 pm

The canning this year turned out to be just over 200 jars. Turkey soup. Chicken Soup. Chicken Curry. Hamburger Curry. BBQ Chicken. Tuna. Salsa. Candied Jalapeno's. Broth. The girls were thrilled.

Oldest SD was great. She and I spent some one on one time visiting. Her gift to me was very thoughtful and carefully chosen (candles in scents she thought I would love). She was huggy both coming and going. It felt so good to get through all the Christmas gatherings without any discomfort or stress between us. Smile Yeah! It was a blessing for sure!

I keep hoping - but still no contact from my son. Hubby is bringing home a box that will work to ship his gifts. I am settling my mind and heart to the reality that he wants/needs time away from me. It is what it is. It helps to know that others have gone through similar things. I have a friend from HS who has 2 sons. One day - one of her sons just up and left. She didn't see him for 2 years, had no idea where he was or what he was doing. Then he just came back again. Kids.............

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Post by ONTARIO on Thu Dec 27, 2018 3:38 pm

1. Love ME no matter what noises are screaming at me, or who is trying to tear me down.
2. Eat to heal
3. Move to live
4. Embrace today
5. Live with intention
6. Respect my body
7. Cultivate joy
8. Find my passion
9. Meditate on peace in my soul


I am settling my mind and heart to the reality that he wants/needs time away from me. It is what it is.

I think this is a good plan. And, maybe along with that, follow # 9 on your list. Wink

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Post by Pedidoc on Thu Dec 27, 2018 9:21 pm

I keep thinking that when a door closes another one opens. While your son is not involved, the stepdaughters have really changed their attitude. Maybe you are to take this opportunity to cement your relationship with them?
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Post by ONTARIO on Fri Dec 28, 2018 7:00 am

Pedidoc wrote:I keep thinking that when a door closes another one opens.  While your son is not involved, the stepdaughters have really changed their attitude.  Maybe you are to take this opportunity to cement your relationship with them?

100% agreed!

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Post by tomi1000 on Fri Dec 28, 2018 2:13 pm

Smile PEACE and OPPORTUNITY! What wonderful things to focus on and begin the New Year!!

I have good feelings about the coming year............. I really do believe my health is going to greatly improve! And if Christmas was an indication of things to come with the SDs then I see peace moving into my heart as well. Smile Yes -- even though I have this heaviness and darkness concerning my son -- I believe there are good things coming. I feel it. I went though a change of perspective when he didn't show up for Christmas -- from a feeling of desperation to a more settled frame of mind --- "okay, this is my new reality and I must deal with it in a healthy and mature manner. I will not allow my thoughts to go to fear and worry over his well being. I will consider this a time of growth for both of us". As I have said in the past - I have always known in the back of my mind this time would come - when he would disappear from my life for a time - maybe God was trying to prepare me? I mean, I don't think most parents feel that someday their child is going to do this type of thing - but given the struggles and issues that he has with social stuff - and shutting out his dad - I always had a feeling it was going to happen to me too. And here it is. So, I can let myself worry and fall into despair, or I can let go. I choose to let go. (I may need to reminded of this choice in the coming months)

I slept amazingly well last night and I feel great today! Well, great all things considered. Smile My friend A is coming over in about 90 minutes and I will go shower and get ready.

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Post by Narrowminded on Fri Dec 28, 2018 8:40 pm

Tomi I love the positivity in your voice.
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Post by Heuristicfireflower on Fri Dec 28, 2018 9:37 pm

Aaw, sad to read about your son's distance. I tend to believe he is working through things if he is in therapy and there are phases that one goes through while processing past experiences. It takes time. My niece was a very unstable young lady who wounded easily and would scare us with her episodes of extreme emotional outbreaks with talks of doing away with herself. She's been under homeopaths care for several years. 5 years into this care she is going through phases, most youngsters do in high school, at a later age. Right now she has found this feisty often combative side of herself that is so unlike the anxious, apologetic young lady we were used to. We are patient too, but, will, pull her up if she crosses the line with her new found "guardian" self. The strength she needed to protect her has come forward, but, needs to be tempered with experiences and some life lessons. We all agree we much rather see her as a fighter than an anxious fearful soul. It takes time to grow. May get a few knocks on the head while going through, but, we are here in those cases. What I see is the exercising of other aspect of her character. I'm, actually, confident she will come back to center with time and maturity as most people do when they are allowed to grow, which I didn't honestly feel before.

I think this may be a similar path for your son. There may be an arrested growth that is, perhaps now moving forward with help from a therapist. Maybe he is clearing things like an onion, peeling back layers of defenses that at some point will no longer be required as he matures and grows more confident. Everything is organic and always evolving, as you know. I know the hardest thing is to just give him his space, but, I think he knows you are there for him, but perhaps, needs to process something recently uncovered. Along with the other wise words, stay patient and hopeful.
Hugs.

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Post by tomi1000 on Sat Dec 29, 2018 3:14 pm

Thank you, HFF. Smile

Last night I let myself explore the anger I have been suppressing over this "thing" with my son. Hubby and I talked until 4:00 am. He allowed me to express my anger and frustration, my confusion and my feelings of being treated unfairly and with much disrespect. I needed to acknowledge those feelings. Now that I have I feel like I've unpacked my baggage and can relax and just let this thing play out.

Today hubby was handed a check for his portion of the estate. What a amazing blessing and gift. Now the estate is completely settled and closed. BIL did an amazing job navigating the maze of legal crap. It wasn't even an enormous estate. Luckily he worked with a good attorney.

My Viome is still saying "waiting to process". I am having trouble being patient with this. I'm so very anxious to get my results and see what is happening with my gut bugs. I also am really curious to see what my suggested eating plan will show.
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Post by Heuristicfireflower on Sun Dec 30, 2018 7:11 am

tomi1000 wrote:
I needed to acknowledge those feelings.  Now that I have I feel like I've unpacked my baggage and can relax and just let this thing play out.  

Yes!
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Post by Narrowminded on Sun Dec 30, 2018 11:21 am

Great job Tomi, way to start the new year fresh.

Remember it’s a holiday, I’m sure your test results are held up due to that fact.
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Post by tomi1000 on Mon Dec 31, 2018 4:55 am

Narrowminded wrote:Great job Tomi, way to start the new year fresh.

Remember it’s a holiday, I’m sure your test results are held up due to that fact.

Yes Sad When I first sent in my sample it said "2 weeks to receive results" but after it changed to "waiting to process" it changed to "3-4 weeks...." Sad I can wait, but I am really looking forward to whatever this analysis can tell me - and guide me.

Was a good day - we had to make two trips down to the shop cuz something was amiss with the security system - but I managed to get it fixed and all is working fine now. Smile We did have a break in on Christmas Eve day - at 3:00 AM. Some guy cut through the fence in a previously cut place. He rummaged through the cars in the adjoining business lot, and a truck on our side that one of our employee's stores on the lot. He was there a total of about 30 minutes - only took change that he found in the cars. He did try to steal hubby's bike from our trailer full of shop stuff being stored there while we do the shop rebuild at home............ but, upon finding the back tire blown, he left it laying in the lot. I guess he didn't want my bike. Smile We called the police but got the "gee so sorry" speech. They don't bother with stuff like this - totally understandable. It would so great if we could electrify our 6 foot cyclone fence! Give those little thieves a nice JOLT when they try to break in! Smile That would be fun to watch on the replay! I'm really liking this new system - it was worth the expense. Smile We can monitor on our phones and on my iPad. It sends an alert to hubby's phone if there is something that triggers a movement alarm. Today hubby added some "visors" to each camera so the rain doesn't get on the lenses and trigger an alarm. Smile Yeah me for thinking up the idea! Sure hopes it works! So far we haven't had a hard enough rain to test it.
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Post by Pedidoc on Mon Dec 31, 2018 8:35 am

Wishing you a good day and a fantastic new year full of discoveries leading to good health. If you have time today, I wish you would go back and read your first few posts in MDA and then read the last few months of this year. You have been blessed with improved health and energy in the last few months. While I understand the wish for a quick cure and the hope the lab test will provide it, I want you to focus today on how far you have come. Happy New Year, Tomi.
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Post by tomi1000 on Mon Dec 31, 2018 1:34 pm

Pedidoc wrote:Wishing you a good day and a fantastic new year full of discoveries leading to good health.  If you have time today, I wish you would go back and read your first few posts in MDA and then read the last few months of this year.  You have been blessed with improved health and energy in the last few months.  While I understand the wish for a quick cure and the hope the lab test will provide it, I want you to focus today on how far you have come.  Happy New Year, Tomi.

Thanks, Kathi Smile I tried to go back and read my MDA posts but I can't find the first one. Do you have a link? I do remember where I was at that time. I have grown and changed a lot since those days. My health is much better - especially my gut health. There is still room for improvement, as we all can say, and I'm ready for that to happen! I too believe that this is going to be an amazing year!

I have more energy than I have in a very long time - since before summer when I took a nose dive (heat induced?). I'm ready to start walking again and hope to do that in the coming week. My bowels are still troublesome but I see improvement there also - fingers crossed for huge improvements when I get my test results and implement the changes. Emotionally - I'm stronger and more centered (although I certainly can ride the roller coaster).

Hubby is taking a few days off Smile It's good to see him relax. Wednesday is his birthday and he is actually staying home! Smile

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Post by Annieh on Mon Dec 31, 2018 10:16 pm

Happy new year, may your health and energy continue to improve.
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Post by tomi1000 on Tue Jan 01, 2019 1:03 am

Thanks, Annieh! Smile Happy New Year to you as well!
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Post by tomi1000 on Tue Jan 01, 2019 1:05 am

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!!!!
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Post by Narrowminded on Tue Jan 01, 2019 11:17 am

Happy New Year Tomi - I love hearing the joy in your voice.

So sorry about the break in. It’s a shame the police won’t at least go and check things out. Doesn’t seem quite right. And an electrified fence might be just the ticket. Smile
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Post by tomi1000 on Tue Jan 01, 2019 4:09 pm

January 1, 2019. I will turn 59 this year. My goodness. Hubby's birthday is tomorrow.

Well, I boxed up my son's Christmas gifts. It will go out Wednesday UPS from the shop and should be delivered Friday. I sent him a text to let him know. I decided not to include a note - I just couldn't seem to get the right words on paper. I was either sounding cold and angry - or needy and manipulative. So I just gave up. He has not responded to me at all since August 29th. At least hubby has got him to respond with an "I'm fine". My emotions are whirling right now --- I want to cry and I want to smack his face!! I'm screaming mad and I'm utterly heart broken all at the same time.

Time to get back to that place of peace --- let it go, give it over to God. It is completely out of my control.

We have put Christmas away for another year.

It is a beautiful, bright and sunny first day of the new year! And for some reason --- the clock that we got from hubby's parents estate is chiming again! Smile It hasn't been working for about 9 months - today I opened it up to dust it and swung the pendulum to see what would happen --- About 15 minutes later it was swinging and chiming on the hour and 1/2 hour! Smile This makes me very happy! It's like a New Year's hug from Dad.

So --- there is healing happening in my gut - is it the Amy Myer's Leaky Gut Revive? My diet has been totally unguarded for the past week and I'm fine. Last night we ate our home canned Spaghetti Sauce with macaroni noodles and sourdough bread. Not one single problem. No acid reflux, no burping, no belly ache. I don't know why, but I'm thrilled!!!! I also ate Coconut Cream Pie (with lactose enzymes). The only thing I've changed is the addition of the Revive powder. Totally normal BM this morning. So weird.
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Post by Narrowminded on Wed Jan 02, 2019 3:04 pm

Glad to hear your clock is working again. That happened with my GF too.
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Post by tomi1000 on Thu Jan 03, 2019 12:54 pm

I've decided my diet free-for-all and experimentation is done. For some reason I just needed to test the waters. But eating wheat and sugar is not a part of my long-term health plan. So, today I am recommitting to a primal way of eating.

My Viome account has changed to "Analyzing Results" YEAH!!!!! Perfect timing! (refer to above) Smile

The crew is here to dismantle our old 70+ year old detached garage. Smile it is 1200 sq ft - 4 bays in an L shape. The replacement will be a 30X40 RV garage with 2 12X14 doors. Hubby will finally have a place to park his truck and our boat can be stored at home instead of down at the boat shop. This is exciting!
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Post by Heuristicfireflower on Thu Jan 03, 2019 9:56 pm

God I hate thieves. Definitely deserve a good jolt.
Aaah, how cool to see the clock working again - Just needed a little loving nudge.
So nice to read that you're feeling better. Great that the tummy issues have subsided! This new year should see even better improvements with your nutrition goals. Really good to read.
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