Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Pedidoc on Sun Oct 07, 2018 8:05 pm

Tomi, it might be time to revisit your counselor.  While I would be devastated if my DH goes first, I know that I will be able to pull myself up and have a quality life on my own.  Other than body image and weight, which is all in my control (you have additional challenges) I am happy with my life.  

Sons, in my experience, are not as involved with their parents as they develop their own lives.  So while your son has additional issues, he is doing what he is supposed to developmentally - learning to stand on his own and make his own life and happiness, as HE defines it.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Mon Oct 08, 2018 2:23 am

Pedidoc --- If I could see my old counselor from Boise I would make an appointment in a heart beat. I am reluctant to put such trust in anyone else. I have seen the female counselor here in town once. I am not really sure why I am resisting. I think its the whole "getting to know the problem" process. Its exhausting and I don't have a lot of energy to spare right now.

I am not happy with my life because my health issues have pretty much stripped me of having a life. I am in a state of simply existing right now. I am in healing and waiting mode. I am also seeing that I am getting depressed. It has been exactly one year since I had to quit my job and my life has really changed. I am praying things turn around again soon.

Thanks for what you said about sons. Yes, I suppose I knew this. My son has always "needed me" due to his social anxiety issues. In reality he and I have had a very codependent relationship. So - regardless of why he has decided to shut me out I could see this as a very good thing for both of us.

This is why I journal here........... and this is why I trust you all with the things I am going through. Because you get it, and in just a few words you help me see things differently, in a more healthy way.

I went to bed with hubby at 9:30 tonight --- but even though I felt ready to sleep, sleep just did not come. At 11:00 I decided to come downstairs. It is 11:20 now. I did have a little sugar this evening.............. about a 1/4 can of cream soda and a couple squares of pumpkin seed, cashew clusters. I am not proud of the choice, but the craving for something yummy was just too strong. I have a recipe for keto granola bars and as soon as my Lily chocolate chips arrive I will make some. It could be a sugar high since I have not had any for probably 3 months.

Perhaps a movie will tire me so I can sleep.............
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Pedidoc on Mon Oct 08, 2018 5:40 am

Can you do phone call counseling or Skype?  The food you can eat is "yummy."  It worries me that you do not classify it as so, because then you set yourself up to eat off plan.  Granola bars with chocolate chips do not seem like they would be on the plan.  I would think awake because you slept until 2 pm. Finding the right sleep - nap - catch up sleep ratio can be difficult.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by ONTARIO on Mon Oct 08, 2018 10:54 am

I hope you woke up this morning with a lighter mindset and feeling better.

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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Mon Oct 08, 2018 11:59 am

Didn't mean to imply my food isn't yummy - it certainly is! Smile I meant - I was craving something sweet. I handed the cream soda over to hubby after about 4 sips cuz it was so yucky sweet it was making me nauseous. The pumpkin seed/cashew clusters are 11 grams of carbs in 5 squares. I ate 7. Carbs were 76 yesterday. Thats the highest I've been in about 2 months. Gotta watch that more closely.

Sleep....... not good again. Slept from 3:00 to 6:30. Hubby's bible study group meets tonight so I will go to bed early and see what happens. Hopefully I will sleep soundly all night.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Mon Oct 08, 2018 3:15 pm

link to recipe for the keto granola bars https://keto-daily.com/keto-granola-bar-recipe/
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Meant2Move on Mon Oct 08, 2018 6:43 pm

I'm sorry you are feeling down. Pedi is right, it is tricky to catch up or have quality sleep when napping, but when your sleep has been so disrupted, hard not to nap. It is a vicious cycle.

I'd also urge you to bring those skills learned in counseling back into your daily routine. I've recently been listening to some guided imagery recordings. They help me get to sleep/get back to sleep, and during the day, they offer a quiet, relaxing moment that leaves me feeling more positive. I've tried a couple of different people and find I really like Jane Ehrman best. https://store.cdbaby.com/Artist/JanePernottoEhrman She is also on iTunes.

Finally, you mentioned getting things ready for winter. That means far shorter days than you've had recently. Living where you do, summer days are nice and long, now winter and darkness are looming. Have you considered one of those lamps for seasonal affective disorder? I've read they can be helpful.

Take care, Tomi. We are rooting for you.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Narrowminded on Mon Oct 08, 2018 8:20 pm

Tomi - I’m going to jump in and suggest you get some counseling too. You need a change of mindset. You definitely need to work on the mother/son issues and I still think there are things with your ex still festering and you mention your childhood...

I know for a fact, unless I get hit by a bus, DH will go before me. I have spent time over the years and moreso the last 2 thinking about what I want from life when I am single again. I won’t be looking for love. I want to travel a bit, get back to my exercise, enjoy having a life w/o caregiving for a while.

I have had to make that mindset change or these is no way on earth I could still be doing this intense caregiving for DH.

Just like changing your diet as in what you eat takes a mind change, so does other things in life.

I can remember when I used to do weight watchers. One day someone made the analogy about buying a candy bar - insert whatever your downfall is. “This candy bar will cost me $9”. At the time, that was the cost of the meeting. Not sure what it is now, but think about that. This cream soda or whatever will cost me 9 months of healing, is it worth it? Suddenly it doesn’t seem so tempting anymore.

We all know you can do this. We all give suggestions with love. I continue to pray for you daily.

Hugs my friend

You
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Mon Oct 08, 2018 8:41 pm

M2M - thanks for the message.  Smile  and the encouragement.  I don't get SAD, but I do get situational depression.  I can usually talk my way out of it - and thats what I need to be working on now.  

I will take a look at Jane Ehrman tonight while hubby is having his men's group over.  I get banished to the office or up to our bedroom.  Not really......... but I make myself scarce between 6 and 8 pm on Mondays.  I'm happy to climb into bed and watch a movie or do some reading.  If I have the energy and brain function by the end of the day I will do office work - but I did that this morning so upstairs it is!  Smile  

NM - thank you for that honest glimpse into your reality. I can't imagine facing what you do on a daily basis. You are such a strong person!

Re-framing my thoughts on my son's current absence has helped a lot in how I feel about it all.  It is also diminishing the badgering mantra that makes me think all men are eventually going to leave. Like I said in an early post - I can deal with it all just fine if I get out of my emotions and look at with logic.  Growing up fatherless, due to the death of my father, due to his immaturity, lack of responsibility, and pure selfishness has definitely done some damage. He lived a reckless and selfish life. He would rather spend his evenings in the bars and his weekends with other women rather than be home with his wife and daughters. My mother always told me when he found out she was pg again (with me) he went on another "bender". He was cheating on her the night he died, she was 4 months pg with me, and had 3 other daughters. And because of the stories my mom told me, I grew up believing my existence caused his death. That is until I was old enough to realize it was not me, but his selfish nature that caused his death. He chose his fate. He always told my mom he wouldn't live to see 35. He died one month after he turned 34.

I've been through all this with my former counselor --- I just need to get it all in perspective again. This thing with my son just threw me into a bad place again. I'll be fine.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Pedidoc on Mon Oct 08, 2018 9:10 pm

Tomi, with all due respect to you and your former counselor, I am not sure you really dealt with your mother and father issues.  Yes, it is both parents, because what mother in her right mind would fill your head with such memories.  I'm not saying she should lie, but she married your father and there had to be good she could have shared.  I also do not believe that everything you are going through goes back to "abandonment issues."  I am sorry, but I think that is a way of not dealing with the issue at hand.  I understand that is where your counselor led you, but I think you are stronger and smarter than that.  Take each thing as it comes and deal with it up front and how it is today, not framing it in the past.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by marcadav on Mon Oct 08, 2018 9:18 pm

Tomi, I second NM's suggestion about counselling. I know you did family therapy when issues arose with your step children. However, I can't recall if you have ever done individual therapy to unpack your childhood traumas-your father's death, mom's drinking, as well as issues from your first marriage.

As you know, we have similar experiences- alcoholic parents, less than ideal marriages. It took me years of therapy to unpack most of my issues and to be able to see and embrace my innate self worth down to my core. I have always been stubbornly independent. Probably because I've had to be.

Mindset is also important. I could have easily had a mindset of "poor me", given my physical limitations, coupled with family dynamics.

I wanted something big, at an early age,(to become a teacher) and that helped me not fall prey to the downside(dark side) of my issues. It gave me something to focus on, other than my present situation at the time.

I know you have low energy. However, your energy seemed to improve when you started and were consistently walking. I suggest you start doing that again, on a daily basis. Even if it's only 5 minutes. I'm a firm believer in having a routine.

Finally, I agree with Pedidoc about sons. I have almost daily contact with my daughters. My son is hit or miss. We've gone weeks without contact and then he'll text or ask if I want to Skype. Last week we Skyped for 2 hours.

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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Mon Oct 08, 2018 9:33 pm

Pedidoc and Marcadav - I understand what you're saying.  I will give this some thought...........  Wink

I did have counseling for childhood issues when I lived in Boise. Two years with a wonderful counselor. I really don't think I need to revisit that, I just need to use the tools that he gave me and process through the feelings.

Truth be told, my mother was never in her "right mind".  She was always 12 beers to the wind by bedtime.  If there was good in their marriage she never shared it with me.  The stories I heard growing up were all about neglect, abuse, and absence.  In retrospect, it was abusive of her to fill my head with all that negativity.  I was very young when I began asking questions about him, and she never told me anything good.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Pedidoc on Mon Oct 08, 2018 10:33 pm

tomi1000 wrote:Pedidoc and Marcadav - I understand what you're saying.  I will give this some thought...........  Wink

I did have counseling for childhood issues when I lived in Boise.  Two years with a wonderful counselor.  I really don't think I need to revisit that, I just need to use the tools that he gave me and process through the feelings.  

Truth be told, my mother was never in her "right mind".  She was always 12 beers to the wind by bedtime.  If there was good in their marriage she never shared it with me.  The stories I heard growing up were all about neglect, abuse, and absence.  In retrospect, it was abusive of her to fill my head with all that negativity.  I was very young when I began asking questions about him, and she never told me anything good.
So did your counseling deal with your mother's abuse?  I just see so many other issues.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Lovebird on Tue Oct 09, 2018 6:43 am

Dear Tomi... did you already forget how wonderful you were feeling when you started this keto journey? Flat tummy, small salad added to your meal (spinach) without trouble, great sleep? Doesn't sound like digestive issues to me... however I do wonder about all the eggs & bacon you seem to savour lately, which you're not supposed to eat in large quantities as I recall. Not that I'd suggest you go back to 20 grams of carbs, if indeed there are thyroid issues, but lower on fats and eliminating eggs might be better for you.

For some reason those coconut flakes don't seem like such a good idea either, especially for sensitive tummies like yours. And in all fairness, neither does having a stack of these 'goodies' available. Sorry.

Hope you'll find a way to address the other issues... perhaps you can Skype/talk on the phone with your counselor in Boise or something and re-affirm what you've learned then?
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by ONTARIO on Tue Oct 09, 2018 8:25 am

I'm kind of agree with Lovebird. You might want to step back from the sweets and higher fat foods that don't seem to agree with you.

I'm not trying to judge you - just share from an outsider's perspective. My journal name is "The Primal Intellectual" not because I think I'm so smart but because of something I heard in a Buddhist monk once say at a meditation session. He said that a lot of people understand what Buddhism is - loving kindness, lack of judgement, accepting the moment - but few apply it on a regular basis. He called these people "Buddhists Intellectuals".

My point is that we can read and learn and intellectually know everything we need to about a subject but if we can't or won't apply that knowledge then it's worthless information. Knowing and doing are separate entities. And, in my opinion, doing is far, far, more difficult.

So maybe step back and revisit the literature. Read about the " why's" of primal/keto, etc and regroup.

I hope this helps and didn't come across as preachy.

Hugs.

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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Tue Oct 09, 2018 1:51 pm


So did your counseling deal with your mother's abuse?  I just see so many other issues.[/quote]

Well - I guess not because at that time I wasn't aware of her abuse. It has been in the past 5 years that I have been made aware of the fact that my father hit my mother a couple of times. Then again - my mom's memories of that time are over 50 years old and she has been altering the details of her stories over the years. My oldest sister was 11 when he died, and she has no memory of any kind of abuse. She does remember by mom "badgering" him until he lost his temper and would leave the house.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Tue Oct 09, 2018 2:09 pm

Lovebird wrote:Dear Tomi... did you already forget how wonderful you were feeling when you started this keto journey? Flat tummy, small salad added to your meal (spinach) without trouble, great sleep? Doesn't sound like digestive issues to me... however I do wonder about all the eggs & bacon you seem to savour lately, which you're not supposed to eat in large quantities as I recall. Not that I'd suggest you go back to 20 grams of carbs, if indeed there are thyroid issues, but lower on fats and eliminating eggs might be better for you.

For some reason those coconut flakes don't seem like such a good idea either, especially for sensitive tummies like yours. And in all fairness, neither does having a stack of these 'goodies' available. Sorry.

Hope you'll find a way to address the other issues... perhaps you can Skype/talk on the phone with your counselor in Boise or something and re-affirm what you've learned then?

Nope, I haven't forgotten. I was feeling good. So, I think you are suggesting that my body is reacting to emotional triggers more than food triggers? Certainly possible as my system is very sensitive to emotional stressors. When I first started keto and was feeling good I was hitting between 20 and 40 on the carbs. Thats total, no net. After 3 weeks I hit a wall - crashed. Felt extreme fatigue, nausea, and brain fog. This could have been due to the emotional stress of what is happening with my son right now - as my anxiety kinda peaked at that time. The past 10 days or so I have increased carbs just slightly to 30-50. I'm also taking very dose electrolytes.

Eggs...... I love them, but they do cause issues. I suppose they should go back on my No list.

The keto granola bars seemed like a good idea for an easy "healthy" treat. I don't have much of a sweet tooth anymore so they might not even taste good to me. Perhaps I could make them with sunflower seeds instead of coconut flakes?
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Tue Oct 09, 2018 2:24 pm

ONTARIO wrote:I'm kind of agree with Lovebird. You might want to step back from the sweets and higher fat foods that don't seem to agree with you.

I'm not trying to judge you - just share from an outsider's perspective. My journal name is "The Primal Intellectual" not because I think I'm so smart but because of something I heard in a Buddhist monk once say at a meditation session. He said that a lot of people understand what Buddhism is - loving kindness, lack of judgement, accepting the moment - but few apply it on a regular basis. He called these people "Buddhists Intellectuals".

My point is that we can read and learn and intellectually know everything we need to about a subject but if we can't or won't apply that knowledge then it's worthless information. Knowing and doing are separate entities. And, in my opinion, doing is far, far, more difficult.

So maybe step back and revisit the literature. Read about the " why's" of primal/keto, etc and regroup.

I hope this helps and didn't come across as preachy.

Hugs.

thank you Smile Not preachy! Wink If I didn't want feed-back and advice and guidance, I wouldn't be putting it all out there.

I so rarely have sweets these days, its no stretch to eliminate them.

I will get back to the basics again. When I start to feel good I start to think I can handle more types of foods - healthy foods. The soda was a moment of weakness, I admit that was really dumb. Y'all have been telling me for YEARS that I need to stay the course for 6-12 months to allow real healing to happen. I get it Wink No stepping off the yellow brick road.

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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Tue Oct 09, 2018 2:51 pm

So, just to recap............

I'm still going to pursue a paleo/low carb approach, but not a hardcore keto. Minimum 30, maximum 50 carbs. That seems to be a good place for me.

Fat - I think the type of fat I use could have something to do with my bowel issues. I threw out the MCT oil because every time I put it in my protein drink I would get a stomach ache and have a mad dash to the bathroom.

Eggs - NO

Bacon/bacon grease - not sure. Seemed to be okay when I was having in salads or with my ground turkey.

Salad - small ones are okay.

Avocado - works okay.

Limit fat to 70 grams a day. Looking back through my records - higher amounts seems to coincide with gut troubles.

Still taking anti-virals, natur-throid, oxybutynin.

Supplements:

digestive aids and probiotics
high potency multiple vitamins
b-complex
vitamin d
electrolytes
glutamine
collagen
glycine
5-htp
DHEA
GABA

Sleep aids - skullcap, occasionally with valerian and melatonin

I slept great last night. Bed at 11:00 (The Good Doctor was on), up twice to potty, and say goodbye to hubby at 6:00, do not remember waking otherwise. Woke up at 9:00 am. Ten hours of good sleep is my sweet spot.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Pedidoc on Tue Oct 09, 2018 3:08 pm

I love watching The Good Doctor!
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by marcadav on Tue Oct 09, 2018 4:52 pm

Tomi, I usually put MCT oil in my tea. I can not do it on an empty stomach or I will have your issues, without the pain.

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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Tue Oct 09, 2018 6:12 pm

marcadav wrote:Tomi, I usually put MCT oil in my tea. I can not do it on an empty stomach or I will have your issues, without the pain.

I have read this is common. My bottle was about to reach its expiration date so I just chucked it.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by Narrowminded on Tue Oct 09, 2018 7:21 pm

Tomi - It sounds like you’ve written out a good plan. Happy to hear you slept really well last night too.

Keep it up, you’ve got this.
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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by tomi1000 on Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:37 pm

Narrowminded wrote:Tomi - It sounds like you’ve written out a good plan.  Happy to hear you slept really well last night too.

Keep it up, you’ve got this.

Smile I DO have this!!!! Smile

Made a yummy looking casserole for dinner. Its called Bacon Ranch Chicken Casserole - https://joyfilledeats.com/bacon-ranch-chicken-casserole/. I added cauliflower, used red onion, left out the parsley, and used sour cream w/chives. Its in the oven and I'm hoping hubby loves it. He really likes casseroles. But to make them paleo and low carb takes extra stuff that I don't always have on hand. This time I had everything but the parsley so I was excited. I cooked the bacon and then cooked the onion and chicken in the bacon grease. I also doubled the recipe - cuz if I'm gonna take this much time to make a meal, it better have lots of left overs. I have to take advantage of the days that I have enough energy to stand in the kitchen for an hour or more. I like to clean up as I go, so it takes longer.

fingers crossed...........

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Re: Tomi found her way - and the quest continues.

Post by ONTARIO on Wed Oct 10, 2018 8:43 am

That casserole does look good! I might give it a go myself.

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